There is a secret men are keeping from women.

In fact, this privileged information often lingers at the edge of awareness and can only be truly understood once actions devolve into consequences.

It’s not that men are keeping something from us women as we so often think they are when we prompt them to “Tell us what you are thinking.” The answer is binary. It’s either “nothing” or some mitigated overwhelm of racing thoughts jumbled up with ubiquitous emotions.

Simply, at his core, a man is not as complicated as women make them out to be. However, add heartbreak to the mix and even the most conscious evolved man becomes lost.


Good Thing:

In fact, I think it is fair to say, there is one energy that can change a man–and it is that of a woman who knows her worth. Hear me. When a man loves a woman he has a purpose. As the lyric says, “He would trade the world for the good thing he found.” In the Bible–the book of books–Proverbs 18:22 says that, “He who finds a wife finds a good thing and receives favor from the LORD.”

The journey begins here–between the love of a man and a woman. Of course there are different configurations and for the sake of brevity, we will peer into this man’s journey.


The Search is Over:

Each person wakes to promises made and promises kept. The day unfolds and vows are  renewed with each chore completed. He might even call this “family life.” Sure, he longs for the great adventure that lives inside of us all–the whale and the Captan. But, in some strange way, remaining content is the adventure. He feels steady and certain of his choices. It mostly goes unspoken, yet he feels respected. There is a cadence to the disagreements that happen. But, he does not feel alarmed. It’s smooth sailing. Sex is good. Work is paying the bills. Friends meet at the gym. Everything is okay, until it’s not.


Everything is Okay:

Sure, there were some arguments that didn’t get finished. Yes, there were those few days where he didn’t feel physically good but didn’t think anything of it. Yes, work was taking more and more of his time. But, he didn’t notice. He just showed up and did what he needed to do. Of course, he complained to his drinking buddies and by daylight, all was forgotten. Then, sex didn’t feel quite the same. It’s not that there was less of it, but there was something missing. She noticed more than he did. She didn’t say anything. Then she did say something. Then she wouldn’t stop saying things. Then she suggested therapy. He felt defensive. He felt insufficient. He felt like therapy was making things worse, like he was being ganged up on by the therapist. A indescribable but visceral dissatisfaction set in. He pushed through it by remembering the days when everything was calm and steady. Sure, drinking and jerking off had increased but it seemed justified given the pressure he was under. His watching porn was easy and it wasn’t hurting anyone anyway.


The Shock:
Little did he know, that the most excruciating pain of his life was about to surface. The relationship, the partnership, the companionship, the challenge of being a better man with a purpose came to an end. She left.

She is going to be okay. It’s going to hurt like hell for her with an immediacy he won’t experience. She will talk to friends, join a gym, and find herself again. On the surface, he will show signs of stress, he may even cry, he may look unaffected, but the truth is, he is falling into an abyss.

It’s not that she was everything, it’s just that all the things he had to do to get her, all the rejection he had to go through, and all the insecurities he tempered to be in that relationship are back with a vengeance. Emotions feel like a sarcophagus because a death has happened and his only chance at resurrection is another woman.

The instinct that was tamed by purpose now runs wild. It is ruthless and will even turn on him in the darkest hours of the day. Work is still work. Food, sex, porn, hobbies, and the trappings of life serve as distractions to the devastation. But, what this man doesn’t know is that he has left his body on autopilot. The lights are on but nobody’s home.


Return to the Hunt:

So, he loads an app on his phone and begins to hunt. Not quite sure what he is searching for but leaning on the believe he will know when he finds it, minutes of the day slip by one swipe at a time. He could buy sex if he needed to, but it hasn’t come to that. In this space, he is not quite sure if he is predator or prey.

The phone screen lights up. A match is made and a texting conversation begins. He doesn’t want to come off as a creep because that will hurt his odds. By some miracle, she agrees to a date. He knows he just wants to get laid. But, he is surprised by how charming and sweet she is. A familiar attraction stirs, followed by fear.

Much of this goes unacknowledged as he is focusing his energy on trying to be interesting. Then a few hours pass, and nothing happens. He feels deflated, goes home, jerks off, and goes to sleep convinced, it was her and not him.

Weeks go by with scattered matches, no real results and increasing frustration. He can’t forget about his ex but has too much pride to contact her. Even when they do talk, a numbness like London fog fills his body. Months pass, a few short relationships come and go having reached their crechendo with the phrase, “I’m just not ready for a relationship.”

The scars of being ghosted one to many times don’t even register because he is guilty of the same cowardly behavior. Motivational videos seem to have a temporary effect just as watching sports does. It feels good to have money, but worthless at the same time.

Dating becomes an exchange of lies. He pretends to be ready and she pretends to be unassuming and easy to be with. He feels afraid to let her in and she starts losing interest. He feels restless and thinks about changing his job, reads adventure magazines, and to the outside world looks well adjusted.


The Secret:

The secret that he is blissfully unaware of is that everything he is doing to keep it light and easy, to have a no drama relationship, and to stay detached is killing him.


Die To Yourself:

And from this women to that man, go ahead a die. You sir, are a decrepit waste of time. You are a lesson we women have learned over and over like rape at a college party. It’s not consensual. It is something we workout after the fact. The secret is that until you can reconnect to the feminine essence, the war between us will kill us all.  No one will remember your journey beyond the hidden scars passed down from one generation to the next. But, legends are made from brave hearts and the lifeblood that flows in them comes from her.


Returning Home:

Look into a woman’s eyes and realize that you won’t know who you are without her; that your very existence is meaningless without her essence. Battle the terror of being rejected until you are unaffected to the point that the treasure you gained from that fight becomes the kingdom you gift women with.

Women love men who love us. We love you for loving us. But, the liars, the infantilized fools who chace vagina for redemption can go to hell. Your disembodied corps can take your death elsewhere because it is no secret that you require a woman to come back to life.

Reverence for Life:   

Show a little respect. Rather than just take from us, take your time with us. Trade the world for the good thing you have. She can be your friend. She can be your lover. She can and has been your mother.

But, if you cannot wake up to the good thing in front of you, she will be your undoing and your journey will end with nothing to show for it but wreckage.