Breakup and Divorce Resources

Hello and welcome to a life of being you and having what you choose. Breakup Rehab is the beginning of our journey together. It’s a place you can call home. Together we will explore what you require in order to have the life of you choosing. We will refine your god-given talents until you become a master at having healthy relationships. Beautiful being that your are,consider this your standing invitation to receive all the good  that life has to offer YOU!  

 

All the resources you need to recover from a breakup or divorce.

 

  1. Book: http://bit.ly/BRXBook + Free offer PODCAST: http://heardnotseen.com/
  2. Buy Young living oils kit https://www.rebekahfreedom.com/essential-oils/ (gift–90 min session)
  3. FB support group https://www.facebook.com/groups/breakuprehab/ + Download Breakup Detox.

Can A Narcissist Change?

Can A Narcissist Change?

Can A Narcissist Change?

I’m sitting here in my basement on one of the last cold days of spring here in Colorado and all I can think about is how I miss sex with HIM who turned out to be a narcissist. Sure, I have other things to do like learn marketing, be pitched to by yet another 6-figure coach, and figure out how to change my station in life to match my intelligence. But, I can’t get our time together out of my mind.

It started in a conference room in Arizona at something called “The Event”. After three days of being blasted by club music and being inculcated with information on how to go from nothing to millions, I had enough. When I get fed up, the comic in me takes over. So, once the event had ended I was talking to people who had also attended it and said, “Did you notice they actually put Kool-aid in the back of the room, everyone started to dress the same, and we all were pitched a big-buy-in program?” That’s when he walked up.

We had somehow connected through my Facebook Messenger app earlier in the day and I asked if he wanted to meet me. He said, “Sure.” And I text back, “Look for the girl in the black hat.” Sure enough, he found me.

The first thing he said was, “Wow you are really animated.” I forget what I said back. But he responded with “We should hang out sometime.” Days before I met him I had this odd pull to want to go to Griffith Observatory in Los Angeles. So, I said, “Totally, we should go to Griffith Observatory together.” He shot back, “That is one of my favorite places.” The sparks flew.

I went back home to Colorado and he went back to California. We chatted back and forth over messenger for a few days.

Then he said something to me that shifted everything. “I have something crazy to ask. Let me love you in a way that feels good to you.” I live in a magical world so I didn’t question his request. I went along with it. (Love bombing).

Before I go into what happened in the early honeymoon period, I want to say that on the 7th month of knowing that he exists, those first three months together keep me missing him way beyond what any rational person should.

Simply put, I had the time of my life. It wasn’t opulent. However it was everything romantic movies are made of.

Two weeks after we started talking I booked a trip to San Diego so I could go to Mexico and get dentistry work done. Once I arrived and got that taken care of I stayed with a friend for a few days before he and I met up for the second time. He drove down from Los Angeles on a Friday to pick me up.

Without going into all the details, let me just say the physical connection was epic. I mean, we had been having phone sex for a bit, engaged in deep conversations, and laughed about nothing. But, when I was finally able to kiss him, it was magic. In fact, I had said, “We don’t have the container to have sex when I come to see you.” I felt something for him and was trying to set some boundaries to protect us.

So, on the drive from San Diego to his place, we played music to fill in the awkward gaps that happen when you are first meeting someone you hope will be your everything. We were both playing it pretty cool while holding hands and bantering back and forth.

Once we got to his place, we made plans to go to the Observatory. A lot of intimacy was shared in a very short 48 hour period. But, we didn’t have sex. He held that boundary, which made me fall in love with him more.

In another blog, I could write about all the romantic moments we had. But, in this blog, I want to say, that things went to shit after month 3. Things got exposed that launched us into a seven week fight. Then his ex got involved. Gaslighting behavior manifested and after our final conversation where he shared, “I’m going to a movie with my ex this weekend and then he took her to a place I introduced him to.” I had enough. It just hurt too much.

I want to share that I did put up a good fight. I referenced everything from The Course In Miracles to the pillars of relationship psychology. He just shut down more. So, a few days after our last phone interaction, I did what any writer might do. I put pen to paper, let out my feelings and sent him two different letters in the mail.

In the first letter I talked about how painful it was to witness him go from my lover to pure evil.

I included this poem in the letter:

Apathy is a warm gun.

Such is the course of nature:

It’s only a matter of time before your defenses turn on you. Apathy is a weapon that will destroy all that you hold dear. You are constructing a cage of despair.  And then the morning will come when you go to the mirror to shave your face & see all you resented in your father looking back to you.

It wasn’t my body you were after; it was the truth housed inside it. You are in the company of thieves & liars. The bankrupt souls seeking significance. Double down on all your spiritual actions…they are facile without truth.

Such is the course of nature.

You will die & be reborn. It’s inevitable. I’m on the horizon banging the drum of Freedom & courage. It’s my fire of aliveness that drew you in & terrified you. Pushed into the deepest ends. The joker is no companion.

Such is the course

She won’t love you but rather use you as an vehicle of escape & you will do the same, never feeling peace. TRUTH is brutal when it’s denied. But eventually you will realize it’s the only way.

So what did I impart?

The start of your destruction with apathy as your weapon. DIE this time.

And I’ll be on the horizon banging the drum of freedom & love.

I’ll meet you at the resurrection.  

I was trying to get to him in meaningful way.

Letters tend to take a long time to get from Boulder Colorado to Los Angeles–about ten days. And three days after I sent the letter going over how I hoped he could break the cycle of abuse, I sent a second letter outlining how I believed his behavior was due to a form of Narcissistic Personality Disorder.

As an aside, NPD is very rare in its fullest expression. However, with most personality disorders we can fall somewhere on the spectrum. And Empaths–the feelers–tend to get pulled in by and sympathize with narcissists.

Beyond my training as a counselor, I have also read at least twenty articles describing narcissism. It’s nasty. I know that when interacting with HIM, I started to feel crazy. He knew how to go after the structure of what I was saying in a way that diverted away from the content of what was being expressed. In some ways, there was merit in what was he was pointing out to me about getting out of my head and into my heart among other insights. However, when it came down to the simple ask of “Do you want to be in a spiritual partnership with me?” he returned with “I have no information for you on that.”

I still talked to him for two weeks after that. I even had a conversation with his ex, who was determined they were going to get back together (and they did). It was a dramatic mess that pulled me out of the life I was avoiding in Colorado.

I loved flying out to LA and escaping into the fantasy we constructed together.

Even as I write this I have to admit that knowing what I know now, it is still a battle to focus on my own life. I keep reading articles on the characteristics of an Empath. I am fascinated by what causes narcissism and if it can be healed. Let me just say addiction to this pattern takes time to recover from.

My motivation for learning these things has always been and will be two-fold. First, I need to get a foundation under me because, let’s be real, after being with an amazing lover who is also wicked intelligent, something like narcissism seems like a riddle to be solved so that I can have all the magic again. Second, I know that others are most likely going through a similar struggle and we heal by telling the truth.

I always joke that my work is field tested.

The real plot twist is that I learned more about myself in the short time we spent together than in any other short relationship I’ve had. Somehow, this time, this relationship pushed me deeper into truth. I invested hours in reading about every topic related to toxic relationships. I began meditating and taking salt baths. I kinda went to the gym. But, I mostly slept more, and made sure to take action on things only when I was focused. I had to force myself to be patient. However, it also f**ked up my ability to make money and stay on a healthy schedule. A lot time was spent casting clearing spells, reading tarot cards, and spending finances on counseling. I’m devoted to growth, so I grew from it but it was really hard forgiving myself for dating an abusive person. Especially since I am a counselor.

As much as I was hoping that the letters would inspire him to reach out to me and to re-create our magic together, as of today, they didn’t. What I asked for in the second letter is that he get a home ready for us in the fall so that I could move in with him and direct my efforts towards giving my gifts as a Psychic Medium and Breakup Specialist to the LA entertainment industry. It’s not logical.

It is like coming off a powerful drug.

I can’t tell you how many times people have said to me, “You are a counselor, you should know better.” I’ll tell you what I do known, he wasn’t an accident. We did have magic together–albeit brief. Do I think being with a narcissist is okay? F**K NO IT’S NOT.

That disorder sucks the life of anyone who interacts with it. It’s like a evil demon succubus. However, as a counselor, I do know that people can change if they want to. (He didn’t. He just went back to his “old supply“).

One of the things I learned from being with him, besides earth-shaking art-making sex, is that people don’t like to be told what to do, who they are, or how to be. No one wants to be labeled as “sick” even if that is the first step in getting well.

So, can a narcissist change?

As it turns out, the answer is No. If you confront someone who displays narcissistic defenses and point out “Dude, I think you have some deep wounding and are using narcissism as a coping mechanism”, they will shoot back with, “I think you are are the narcissist and I hope you get help.” At least that’s what I experienced.

So here is the moral of the story:

It doesn’t matter how smart you are or even if you see the red flags. Narcissism is an STD (spiritually transmitted disease). The energy of shame is toxic to everyone who gets involved with it. Further, the behaviors used to defend against shame tend to perpetuate it in others. Caring for a “Narcy” is like pouring water into a bathtub with no plug. It can never be filled even when you pour more faster (again, from experience).

The aftermath of loving someone locked in a shame loop and defended against it is that we then feel embarrassed. “How could I have been so blind?” Let me put this in first person. I chose to participate in the love bombing phase because it felt good but I knew something was “off” the whole time. And I got hooked. I came in thirsty and left parched.

The reality is I have my own healing to do and my own dreams to fulfill. I have to remind myself that, “He is not healthy for me.” No narcissist is. But what dating a Narcy does is it makes you open your own attic and look at the skeletons in there. The things we neglect become our monsters. Also, the things we won’t look at in us become something that can be exploited by Narcies. So, it’s really important to work with a good coach or therapist after “escaping” this type of romance so that you can anchor back into your inner authority.

As I said before, I have spent endless hours reading up on this topic. So, I will leave you with this:

You are not bad or wrong if you are narcissistic but it does make you dangerous to be around. You are not bad or wrong for dating a narcissist or abuser and wanting them to change. It just means there is deeper healing to be done. And, we can heal. We can move forward. We can have healthy relationships based on boundaries that get created from now being able to identify love bombing, diminishment, mis-direction, projection, blame, shame, neglect, verbal abuse and other venom that comes from Camp Narcy.

Simply, it’s up to us to be the change we want to see.

Why Do We Keep Breaking Up?

Why Do We Keep Breaking Up?

I know a lot of folks who have had two divorces. I have had a least a dozen breakups in one decade.

So, Why do we keep breaking up?

What We Don’t Know About Breakup Will End Us.

If you have gone through a breakup in the last decade this is what is actually happening.

 

Prelude to a Breakup:

 

  • Load App on phone.
  • Swipe.
  • Date.
  • Fuck.
  • Breakup.
  • Repeat.

 

We hear fairy tails of people being best friends first and then it turning into a relationship that produced two kids, a happy marriage, and a great pension plan. We have heard about that friend who met her boyfriend on Tinder and they are doing good. We have plunged ourselves into some form of self-betterment like working out, meditation, or doing yoga. We have said, “I have patterns that I’m going to break.” Nonetheless, we keep breaking up and getting back online to mend what’s broken. 

Watching other people be “successful” online compels us to do what they are doing. The mob is meeting via artificial intelligence. So, let’s talk about “meeting someone online”.

What is a dating profile?

It’s a picture of a past moment that we judge with one glance. That’s what most dating apps have trained us to do. And it’s not wrong. However, what you are seeing in a person the you attracted to is yourself. That is to say, the parts of our conscious we feel disconnected from we project onto an image and hope that that other person will fill in the blanks.

So, in some way, swiping is reinforcing narcissism. Philosophy aside, desire drives us to consume. That what a date with someone is, it’s a consumption of information mixed together with projection.

If no one has said it to you in a while, “Intimacy takes time.” We often confuse the rush of terror that comes with meeting ourselves in a new person with falling in love. Intimacy is peaceful. Dating however is anxiety provoking because most of us go into it thinking about “forever.”

  • “Will this guy be the one?”
  • “Will she be the mother of my kids?”

 

So, bla bal bal, we meet, we share some information, and then we get naked and fuck each other. All the feel-good chemicals rush in. The love songs start making some sense. And attachment kicks in. We get used to having a particular person in our life, call it magic, and start to adjust our choices around the relationship.

It’s a program. I’m just going to say that. The way we get into our relationships is a program. The only way out of that program is intimacy. But, again, 96.8% of us are just going along to get along. So, inevitably we “breakup” and trade one person for another.

The Breakup Cycle

Breakups happen at the beginning of the relationship not the end of them. We talk about “red flags” and shit like that to describe what might ruin a relationship. The fact is that our parents programmed us to be a certain way in the world by handing down their limitations to us. The function of being a parent is to program your child. You know what, you aren’t going to understand why you do what you do. You won’t, so talking about your childhood or whatever stupid story you are telling yourself doesn’t help unless it changes your behaviors. Nothing can be figured out by talking about it.

You have to live, fuck up, forgive and keep going until your body gives out. But, you know why we go round and round about our stories? It’s because we think that doing that gives us some control over how they will unfold. Somethings have already been decided in the great mystery of existence. 

You don’t get to choose the duration of a relationship. Stop thinking that you can be a person that engenders people staying in your life “forever.” That is stupid. Each relationship has a time-period built into it. In fact, the relationships that last the longest are also filled with a lot of space. A deep bond has a pulse to it. It’s not always together. It’s not always falling apart. It’s both. 

I’m annoyed and I’m mad at you for reading this article because what you need to be doing is talking to a professional that can help you communicate who you are. “I can’t afford it.” Well what are you doing with your time? Spending hours reading articles online about twin flames, mental health, red flags, or getting your ex back is just mental masturbation.

And I’ve done it. It doesn’t get us anywhere. The only thing that moves us forward is relationships with healthy people that hold space for us to show up unafraid. But, let’s be real, most of us are running in fear after a breakup. Truthfully, we were fearful the from the beginning to the end of the relationship and all the time in between. 

And a lot of us cope with breaking up by doing the same shit:

  • Leave the relationship emotionally while we are still physically in it and going through the motions.
  • Talk to our friends about how bad our partner is but still have sex with them.
  • The sex starts to shift and doesn’t feel as connected.
  • Fights.
  • Reading articles on how to save the relationship.
  • Reading lists on what a good partnership looks like.
  • Some version of “This isn’t working.”
  • Then we breakup. We lust after our ex. We go back and forth. Or we numb out.

And we don’t ever fucking stop to heal.

Now I’m really mad at you for reading this article looking for answers. Honey, nothing you read is going to get you what you want. Sorry.

Do you know what it’s going to take? It’s going to take a relationship with a counselor, spiritual guide, or teacher that will direct you back to yourself. The same person who hurt you won’t heal you. It takes someone new–that new person is you. And to get to that fully expressed person vibrating at the rate of Love, facing yourself is required. 

It’s not until we master our emotions that we will be able to have a truly loving relationship; with or without a partner in the picture.

But, that’s not where the story ends. Yes, loving ourselves is important. But, we don’t love ourselves by ourselves. It takes relationships to guide us and aid us in being expressed. So, here’s the deal pumpkin, If you are reading this it’s because you are afraid. 

Being afraid is not way to live life, to date, to get in a relationship, to breakup, or to exist.

There is a better way to never breakup again. 

Have faith in the process. Give yourself credit for progress. Get help.

Book Your Free Consultation with Me now.

12 Realistic Steps for This Thing We Call Life

12 Realistic Steps for This Thing We Call Life

12 Realistic Steps for This Thing We Call Life

 

  1. Go along with the crowd and hate your life.
  2. Blame your parents for everything. #fatherwound
  3. Have more than one addiction.
  4. Get divorced more than once or die alone with 12 cats.
  5. Give other people advice how to live life; especially when your life is fucked up.
  6. Become LA spiritual and post inspirational quotes on social media.
  7. Have a like/hate relationship with your body, time, and God.
  8. Become intellectual and never feel your feelings.
  9. Hire a goal oriented life-coach for $20,000; or just give your power away to something or someone else.  
  10. Project onto everyone else that they are a narcissist; then fill the Gram with Selfies.
  11. “Do Ceremony”–taking sacred drugs in some quasi-shaman’s Orange County living room.
  12. Have a life-crisis that wakes you up because anxiety and depression are only drinking buddies and not real friends.

 

There are no definitive answers for your life or existence; ok pumpkin.  

We are all just reading something someone said at some point in history and repeating it to each other. Some of us agree, some don’t, and we all fake it until we die “wise.” So, in the meantime, this is the brief overview of the 12 Realistic Steps for This Thing We Call Life. Feel free to repeat it and make this bitch go viral–mama’s got money to make and jerking off to Rumi quotes isn’t doing it.

 

Step 1: Go along with the crowd and hate your life.

What rat bastard coined the term “waking up”? None of us are waking up. Even the people who are the most spiritual are still consumers on this planet. Too dark?

Well, I use plastic bottles, buy cheap clothes, fuck strangers, have drank booze and done psychedelic drugs, and yet “I am the light that inside all of us.” And yes, Gandi, Jesus, Buddha and the Spiritual Masters are not me unless they are me looking at me through the spiritual lens.

WE ARE ALL ONE.

Blah.

None of us have to stay alive. It’s not mandatory. It is a choice. A lot of us just choose to go along to get a long because it produces the feeling of belonging, which feels safe. We like what we like and sometimes turn into raging assholes over what we don’t like.

Every single one of us will have a day that goes like this:

“What am I doing with my life? Maybe I should just kill myself. Nothing makes sense. I feel so alone. No one gets me. I don’t care anymore.” (Insert Netflix Marathon or numbing agent of choice.) “Hmm, I’m hungry, I should go get something to eat.” And then you jerk off, go to sleep and live another 70 years.

 

Step 2: Blame your parents for everything.

In a quest for redemption we seek out the reason “Why” we are so fucked up. In my case, my Grandmother wasn’t getting her sexual needs met by my alcoholic Grandfather and decided to molest her sons–my father being one of them. So, that set off a generational chain reaction that has made having healthy relationships a wee bit difficult. And, I’m the one who made the choices I did. It’s not like my grandmother’s ghost was like, You go fuck all those guys and get herpes and then look back and regret life.

Nonetheless, we live in a cause and effect world. So, really bad shit has a long reaching impact. When you can’t access forgiveness the next thing in line is blame.

Future parents be warned; your child is going to need therapy–send them to me. (I have a Masters and am legit.)

 

Step 3: Have more than one addiction.

Insurance companies and big industries are depending on our addictions. So, thank you addictions for keeping the economy running and for giving me meaning and purpose in life. Also, fuck you addiction because I’ve been recruited into your cult-like following.

Hello, I’m Rebekah and I have codependent tendencies–Hi, Rebekah. (The addiction is the cult–the actual 12 steps are the redemption.) 

 

Step 4: Get divorced more than once or die alone with 12 cats.

Do you boo.

Everyone is going to tell you to love yourself no matter what anyway. So ride the fantasy of forever into litigation as many times as you need to so that you can die saying, “I tried.”

Or

Never get married and have animals as your friends. Either way–divorced or perpetually single–you are in good company.

 

Step 5: Give other people advice how to live life; especially when your life is fucked up.

I’m doing this right now. Enough said.

They say the best counselors are the ones who have lived the message they are sharing. That’s me, right here, living the message: Freedom Baby!

The power is in the process.

 

Step 6: Become LA spiritual and post inspirational quotes on social media.

This step is a symptom of anyone about to leave their “normal life” and become a life-coach. Chances are there will be a name change that goes along with this step as well; for instance going from Joe to Orion (Based on a True Story). So, this is a fun attempt at being a better person but really the ego just got a little more cunning. According to Dr David R Hawkins 49% of America are low-vibrating conflictual beings (AKA total douche-bags).

 

Step 7: Have a like/hate relationship with your body, time, and God.

Author Mark Manson would say something about this step that goes like, “We all want to feel good…but what pain are you willing to endure?” All of us are chasing our tails trying to feel good all the time. The fact is, feeling shitty about your body, time or God is a cry to level up already. Set some new standards and endure pain to realize them.

 

Step 8: Become intellectual and never feel your feelings.

Paging big pharma and the internet. Why bother feeling when there are so many options for distraction and hubris?

 

Step 9: Hire a goal oriented life-coach for $20,000; or just give your power away to something or someone else.  

I’ll gladly take your money and sell you back to you. Porn has been doing it. So, if it’s good enough for porn, isn’t it good enough for all of us? I wonder what Hugh Hefner would do?

 

Step 10: Project onto everyone else that they are a narcissist; then fill the Gram with Selfies.

I just don’t get why people have such a hard time having meaningful, long-lasting, loving, and healing relationships these days said every generation since the dawn of industry. We can’t take care of ourselves without each other. Duh.

 

Step 11: “Do Ceremony”–taking sacred drugs in some quasi-shaman’s Orange County living room.

Sure seeing a Jaguar in a psychedelic haze and speaking to your past-lives may provide relief for this current 3D plane of existence we are sharing. But, we all poop and that has to go somewhere. We are still responsible for this life, no matter how fucking old our soul is.

 

Step 12: Have a life-crisis that wakes you up because anxiety and depression are only drinking buddies and not real friends.

I met some 20 year olds in a oxygen bar called Tonic located in Boulder, Colorado. They wanted recommendations for what to order off the menu of tonics and potions. I said, “It depends on how you feel. What emotions are coming up for you?” The three 20-something guys replied, “Tention, anxiety, and acid reflux.”

What the fuck?

Being able to relax isn’t a luxury. And fuck it, we are all going to die, it’s how you live on the way there that give us all something to blame while we are doing the same damn thing as we trudge through

THE 12 REALISTIC STEPS FOR THIS THING WE CALL LIFE.

 

I hope you realize this is a satire.

Self-help will totally save you and you should probably go work with a counselor that knows how to unlock your potential.*Sarcastic tone 

*Actual voice: But, if you have any interest in what the truth can do for you, I take visa, master card, and process it all through Paypal. I’m just a schedule click away.

Listen, I get it, life is tough and going through a breakup is wicked hard. You do not have to do it alone. I don’t discount my packages but I do offer payment plans. So, I suggest not suffering these bogus 12 Realistic Steps and actually enrolling in Breakup Rehab. It will change your life, now. I’m happy to help but you have to do the most difficult thing and get on-board. 

It’s not about being “ready”. It’s about committing to your life like your life depends on it—because it does! 

SIGN UP NOW

The 5 Questions We Ask when Deciding to Break Up or Stay Together.

The 5 Questions We Ask when Deciding to Break Up or Stay Together.

The 5 Questions We Ask when Deciding to Break Up or Stay Together.

If you want real answers, just hire me. But in the mean time, for those of you without an extra 10K for life changing guidance, I hope this article helps.

The 5 Questions:

  1. Is my boyfriend a narcissist?
  2. How to I overcome conflict in my relationship?
  3. What are signs of abusive behavior?
  4. How do I save my relationship?
  5. What are signs that I’m in a good relationship?

This isn’t an easy article to write because there is no one “right” answer to those questions that is specific to your situation. However, if you are reading this it’s because you are in that really shitty place where you don’t know if you should try harder or cut your losses. I’ve done my best to summarize answers that will move you forward. Chances are that you are attached to the person who is inspiring this type of Sherlock Holmes gathering of information. Your mind is like, “If only I can get to the bottom of this then life will be bliss.”

How do I know all this? Because I’ve lived it multiple-times over.

I’m not only and amazing counselor/witch/healer, I’ve also been in the dating pool enough to know to learn how to swim.

The 5 Questions We Ask when Deciding to Break Up or Stay Together.

Chances are if you are asking this question, Is my boyfriend a narcissist? it’s because you want to blame all your shit on your partner. Is it okay for a man to be abusive self-centered dick? FUCK NO IT IS NOT!

However, why are you dating someone that has you asking the question, Is my boyfriend a narcissist? What half-baked pop-psychology shit have you been rifling through to circumvent the very real fact that your choices create your life.

If he is a narcissist, that means you can’t change him. If he isn’t, you still can’t change him. And if you stay with him, then you get to be just as fucked up as he is. So, start with the wo/man in the mirror.

You could try to be the “better person” and look at if from a spiritual lens.

It sounds like this:

“Well my boyfriend may be acting like a narcissist but that doesn’t mean that is who he is.” Great, you separated the behavior from the identity. But, dating someone who only thinks of themself all the time feels like shit. I mean, some of us submissive types go along to get along. But if you think for yourself at all, there is a good chance being with a “Narcy” isn’t a good match for your overall well-being.

Sucks for you that you got addicted to them though, which brings me to the next question:

How do I overcome conflict in my relationship?

“Well everyone has fights.” That’s true. But, if you are focusing on that chances are little attention is being paid on how cooperative your partner is. If you are thinking, “They reject me most of the time” then get out of that martyr situation. I mean, burn off your Karma, and then a better situation will show up.

But, if a better situation seems far away, we can get stuck trying to fix the shit we are in.

If you are asking, What are the signs of abusive behavior? then you have experienced abusive behavior. People don’t ask this question unless some shit has gone down. 

When people fight, many of us seek to destroy the other person by undermining their character, points of view, and sometimes we physically harm the other person. This is not how healthy people fight. Healthy people say things like, “I’m so angry right now I could scream my head off but instead I’m going to walk away and come back when I’m calm.”

The reality is “blowing it out” might feel good in the moment but it locks both people in an addictive cycle resulting in a dysfunctional relationship.

Please click this: Signs of Abuse

So if you got to the question, How do I save my relationship? after having gone through the thread of finding a diagnosis, learning about conflict resolution, looking over signs of abuse, you are not going to save a healthy relationship. You are just trying to find out how to put out a tire fire with your body.

However, if you began the search for answers with How do I save my relationship? there are a few factors to look at. The first one is, Why? According to John Gottman 68% of couples have the same recurring fight for the duration of their relationship. So, the quick and dirty answer to preservation of what you’ve got is to pick your battles and forgive quickly.

This then brings us to the award winning question, What are the signs I’m in a good relationship?

  1. Cooperation: The ability to turn differences into relational strengths.
  2. Contribution: Self reflecting so that you give the best of you to the relationship.
  3. Communication: Tell the truth every time.
  4. Consideration: There is more than just me involved in my decisions.
  5. Christ: Have a spiritual foundation to turn to in times of trials and celebrations.

A lot of people will tell you that it’s better to be single than to be in a bad relationship. I disagree. Being single is a bad relationship if you keep attracting bad relationships. Being single is a critical time to examine your inner critic and see how kind you are to yourself. However, that will get you only so far, so we need bad relationships as tools of refinement. The really hurtful abusive relationships that echo shit childhoods can fuck right off though. Those are ecosystems of destruction and death; that require more than a life-coach to repair. Eh-hem. 

In short, this life is a journey and no one is going to care about your legacy 100 years from now. You have to care about your time more than anyone else. To make the most of it I suggest reading Breakup Rehab and learning the skills that produce happiness, prosperity, and good feeling relationships. Help is here as well. I offer integrative sessions that combine psychology with psychic insights so that you can get to where you are going faster. Book a session now.

And thanks for reading. I hope this helped.

Breakup Rehab: Girls, Wine, & Secrets

Breakup Rehab: Girls, Wine, & Secrets

“We are as sick as our secrets”. –AA

It’s in every yoga studio, in every eyelash extension salon, 6:30pm at the liquor store, and tucked away in the phrase, “Let’s have a girls night.” Cities like Los Angeles, Austin, Dallas, Denver, and New York all house these beautiful women who are holding onto a secret. Some of these women have some things in common and proudly belong to the division known as “Boss-ass Babes”. A group of them are top executives and a few are artists turned savvy business women who, on the surface, seem to “have it all”.

She has an Instagram account full of pictures of tropical vacations, afternoon rose wine, curated meals that some hipster dreamed up, and fashion. There’s a lot of networking and late nights that show up on her Instagram stories. And, it’s just that, it’s a story.

The door closes on the yoga studio and the heat is turned up to 109 degrees. “Andrea” has on her lululemon hot yoga shorts and a bondage inspired sports bra. Her 5’4 frame looks elongated as she stands tall in tree pose. She convinced her friend “Vanessa” to join her for this early morning class, “To burn off last night and because the teacher–Keegan–is so hot.” “It will be great and then we can get a green detox drink after!” she promises her sluggish friend.

Vanessa doesn’t make nearly as much money as Andrea does and she has had to fall back on her parents several times since her breakup had such an impact on her online clothing business. Andrea came up from the middle, got a scholarship to an Ivy-league school, and landed a top tech firm job that flies her all across the world. These two women met through mutual friends who were into fashion and they became “besties”.

As sweat runs down Vanessa’s back, she is quietly questioning her life choices while simultaneously trying to keep her focus on when to transition from one pose to another.  Half way through the class, she gives up and walks out. “Fuck this!” Andrea feels embarrassed but finishes the class, and then after she puts herself together for work, texts “Megan”: Vanessa is such a train-wreck! I can’t believe she bailed on yoga this morning!

Megan is in the middle of a meeting and shoots back a poop emoji and a LOL face. If there were a pack leader, Megan would be it. She was engaged, running a seven-figure fitness business, lives in Los Angeles but has a condo in New York that had been in the family for generations, and she defers big decisions to her spiritual guru shaman. She is sleek with perfect hair (extensions), a designer wardrobe, and a beautiful Mercedes.

These women and those like them drive commerce in the Western World. Their hearts are in a pretty good place, and despite knowing about the Law of Attraction, their minds are in turmoil. What Andrea doesn’t know about Vanessa is that Vanessa is on antidepressants she washes down with a bottle of Malbec, most nights of the week. On the nights she’s not chasing her pills with booze, she is on a date with another “rando”. And she’s chasing her booze with cheep sex. But, this isn’t the big secret because when all the girls are together–the tigers and the ringleader–they laugh and joke about dating, sex, butt-plugs, and do their best to one-up each other’s ability to be salacious.

Megan feels like she has dirt on both Andrea and Vanessa since they both complain to her about the other one. She also feels better than them because she is engaged. For Megan, life is going “according to plan”. But, she didn’t plan on her sex-life being so dry and flat. She didn’t plan on feeling envious of Vanessa’s ability to hook up and move on.

Both Megan and Vanessa think Andrea is totally put together. But, what Andrea doesn’t share is that she spends way to much money on Amazon.com around 3am in the morning because she can’t sleep; her anxiety keeps her up.

Hints of these secrets show up when they get together and “get four bottles deep”. It’s not that they are bad. It’s not that therapy hasn’t worked. It’s that in yoga class, in the eyelash salon, in the liquor store, and after “girls night”; the ache of living with broken hearts, guilt, shame and emptiness is there.

Love is packaged and sold as a drug in these circles. We binge watch shows like The Bachelor and Say Yes to the Dress. No one is keeping up with the Kardashians; although some of us are still trying to emulate them. None of us feel really great about our bodies. We all have had a version of childhood that left holes in our psychology. A handful of us drifted into the “plant medicine” world. And using catch phrases like, “I’m enough” is just enough to get us to the next day.

But, the medicine isn’t in the stack of self-help books we buy but don’t actually read. It’s circulating through podcasts but only as information. The medicine isn’t in a “mindset” coaching formula, singular church service, or twelve-step gatherings. Broken hearts and empty spaces are healed through the conversations that happen in Breakup Rehab.

It doesn’t matter what her name is–she is lost. I’ve been her. I am her. And what I know to be true is that rehabilitation brings us back home again.

Allen Ginsberg elucidates this by saying, “And while I’m here, I’ll do the work. And what is the work? To ease the pain of living–everything else is a drunken dumbshow.”

We are fallible humans that pass down the lineage of guilt to one another like it was an explanation for existence. It’s not. Life cannot be explained nor can it be lived fully with misunderstanding. Access to unconditional love and the peace that coincides with it requires a commitment few can integrate but in retrospect. Love is nothing and everything.

And it’s there, in the quiet moments, in our prayers, at all hours of the day, in our asking and in Breakup Rehab.

 

Freedom.