Getting Down to Business
ENROLLING IN BREAKUP REHAB
Not everyone gets Breakup Rehab
Breakup Rehab was born of the need to support individuals recovery from addiction to their last failing relationship. The mission is to uplift the person working with me. You can waste time in life and that’s not what life is for–it is to be lived and lived well!
Who Benefits from Breakup Rehab?
Having done this work for 5 years, people who are deciding to breakup/divorce and who are in transition points in their relationship get the most out of Breakup Rehab. More specifically, a newly divorced wife who depends on wine and yoga classes to “keep it together” has a stellar chance of thriving when adding Breakup Rehab to her life (BTW she won big in the alimony round).
Also, people working in the medical field, family law, tech, and stressful corporate jobs also find immediate relief after enrolling in Breakup Rehab.Market research is out as if this program helps hippies or not—I’m competing with rose quarts and tarot cards after all. And this isn’t some bull-shit glossy program. We go deep.
The Power is in the Process:
Breakup Rehab is a 1:1 counseling program that happens over six months with one 90 minute call every other week. In that time we work on healing the hurt, remembering our power, and connecting with God as we understand her/him. The benefit of the program is simply–FREEDOM.
Who do you know that could benefit from this healing program?
Tuition is discussed in the initial consultation.
If you or a loved one is suffering from heartbreak, resentment, regret, fear, loathing, and has come to believe love isn’t possible for them—Breakup Rehab will change all of that.
“The only thing that truly costs us our lives is hesitation” ~CM King
“We are as sick as our secrets”. –AA
It’s in every yoga studio, in every eyelash extension salon, 6:30pm at the liquor store, and tucked away in the phrase, “Let’s have a girls night.” Cities like Los Angeles, Austin, Dallas, Denver, and New York all house these beautiful women who are holding onto a secret. Some of these women have some things in common and proudly belong to the division known as “Boss-ass Babes”. A group of them are top executives and a few are artists turned savvy business women who, on the surface, seem to “have it all”.
She has an Instagram account full of pictures of tropical vacations, afternoon rose wine, curated meals that some hipster dreamed up, and fashion. There’s a lot of networking and late nights that show up on her Instagram stories. And, it’s just that, it’s a story.
The door closes on the yoga studio and the heat is turned up to 109 degrees. “Andrea” has on her lululemon hot yoga shorts and a bondage inspired sports bra. Her 5’4 frame looks elongated as she stands tall in tree pose. She convinced her friend “Vanessa” to join her for this early morning class, “To burn off last night and because the teacher–Keegan–is so hot.” “It will be great and then we can get a green detox drink after!” she promises her sluggish friend.
Vanessa doesn’t make nearly as much money as Andrea does and she has had to fall back on her parents several times since her breakup had such an impact on her online clothing business. Andrea came up from the middle, got a scholarship to an Ivy-league school, and landed a top tech firm job that flies her all across the world. These two women met through mutual friends who were into fashion and they became “besties”.
As sweat runs down Vanessa’s back, she is quietly questioning her life choices while simultaneously trying to keep her focus on when to transition from one pose to another. Half way through the class, she gives up and walks out. “Fuck this!” Andrea feels embarrassed but finishes the class, and then after she puts herself together for work, texts “Megan”: Vanessa is such a train-wreck! I can’t believe she bailed on yoga this morning!
Megan is in the middle of a meeting and shoots back a poop emoji and a LOL face. If there were a pack leader, Megan would be it. She was engaged, running a seven-figure fitness business, lives in Los Angeles but has a condo in New York that had been in the family for generations, and she defers big decisions to her spiritual guru shaman. She is sleek with perfect hair (extensions), a designer wardrobe, and a beautiful Mercedes.
These women and those like them drive commerce in the Western World. Their hearts are in a pretty good place, and despite knowing about the Law of Attraction, their minds are in turmoil. What Andrea doesn’t know about Vanessa is that Vanessa is on antidepressants she washes down with a bottle of Malbec, most nights of the week. On the nights she’s not chasing her pills with booze, she is on a date with another “rando”. And she’s chasing her booze with cheep sex. But, this isn’t the big secret because when all the girls are together–the tigers and the ringleader–they laugh and joke about dating, sex, butt-plugs, and do their best to one-up each other’s ability to be salacious.
Megan feels like she has dirt on both Andrea and Vanessa since they both complain to her about the other one. She also feels better than them because she is engaged. For Megan, life is going “according to plan”. But, she didn’t plan on her sex-life being so dry and flat. She didn’t plan on feeling envious of Vanessa’s ability to hook up and move on.
Both Megan and Vanessa think Andrea is totally put together. But, what Andrea doesn’t share is that she spends way to much money on Amazon.com around 3am in the morning because she can’t sleep; her anxiety keeps her up.
Hints of these secrets show up when they get together and “get four bottles deep”. It’s not that they are bad. It’s not that therapy hasn’t worked. It’s that in yoga class, in the eyelash salon, in the liquor store, and after “girls night”; the ache of living with broken hearts, guilt, shame and emptiness is there.
Love is packaged and sold as a drug in these circles. We binge watch shows like The Bachelor and Say Yes to the Dress. No one is keeping up with the Kardashians; although some of us are still trying to emulate them. None of us feel really great about our bodies. We all have had a version of childhood that left holes in our psychology. A handful of us drifted into the “plant medicine” world. And using catch phrases like, “I’m enough” is just enough to get us to the next day.
But, the medicine isn’t in the stack of self-help books we buy but don’t actually read. It’s circulating through podcasts but only as information. The medicine isn’t in a “mindset” coaching formula, singular church service, or twelve-step gatherings. Broken hearts and empty spaces are healed through the conversations that happen in Breakup Rehab.
It doesn’t matter what her name is–she is lost. I’ve been her. I am her. And what I know to be true is that rehabilitation brings us back home again.
Allen Ginsberg elucidates this by saying, “And while I’m here, I’ll do the work. And what is the work? To ease the pain of living–everything else is a drunken dumbshow.”
We are fallible humans that pass down the lineage of guilt to one another like it was an explanation for existence. It’s not. Life cannot be explained nor can it be lived fully with misunderstanding. Access to unconditional love and the peace that coincides with it requires a commitment few can integrate but in retrospect. Love is nothing and everything.
And it’s there, in the quiet moments, in our prayers, at all hours of the day, in our asking and in Breakup Rehab.
I’m a liar, thief, cheat, bully, and manipulator. I admit it. And as I reveal that side of me, I’ve upset a lot of people. It takes a true warrior with heart to bring shadows to light, and transform them.
In the last week I have had two people respond to my social media posts by telling me, “You should not be giving relationship advice.” The first person argued that only people with PhD’s are qualified to make money as relationship counselors. The second person responded to my Facebook Live about the instinct to murder by saying in essence, “Those who need help themselves should not be relationship counselors.”
I agitate people because I say things “you are not supposed to say.” I realize that being a Breakup Specialist and charging people for counseling might seem exploitative. “You are taking advantage of people in a vulnerable position.” People who are in pain because of loss are vulnerable. People who struggle with low self worth are vulnerable. People who are hungry are vulnerable. And a primary focus of marketing, that I didn’t invent, is “put pressure on their pain point.” However, there is strength in our vulnerability and paying for help is a very vulnerable act. Investing in help changes people let alone the conversations we have that provide non-judgmental perspective.
I also recognize that I am still healing.
I have killed off my meaningful relationships time and time again.Sometimes, destroying things makes me feel alive. Does it make me less qualified as for my position as a “healer”? Maybe. But, more than this, it challenges my commitment to be transparent, stay congruent, and speak the truth.
I share all of this to say, that the first sign we are on a right path or path with heart is resistance.
We learn disapproval of our behavior early in life through parental conditioning. This then forms into survival strategies such as suppression, compartmentalization, and projection. As we grow up alongside care-givers, abusers, and teachers we practice different versions of these strategies until they turn into our identities.
It’s important to note that when you come to a crossroads in your life where you commit to a new way of being–more open, transparent, more focused, and go against what you have known; it registers as a risk. What I’ve found to be true is deep commitment to personal growth is met with both internal and external opposition. It’s as if the laws of nature are asking, “Are you sure you want this?”
As a caveat, in the western world we are programmed to think that people who have wealth are also people of virtue. In fact, they just have access to large-scale creative expression as well as massive destruction. An example of this is the oil and gas industry. As the saying goes:
“For unto whomsoever much is given, of him shall be much required,” Luke 12:48 (King James Version.)
In my life it sounds like, “You should not be doing what you are doing.” “You are dangerous.” “You are causing harm in people’s lives.” I’ve let this stop me before. I quit trusting in my own authority. And people do get hurt when we finally stop being who they have known us to be or something that doesn’t fit into the “safe” version of what we should be.
The true test isn’t in overcoming resistance, but in being persistent. Resistance only represent the end of one thing–a minor death. The true sacrifice comes when we are deliberate in our motion forward. The “can’t”, “won’t”, “shouldn’t” messages that arise both internally and externally must be met with focus and determination. It is not determination of the mind, but of the heart.
Life-force-energy congregates in this middle place. It takes energy to have your shadows exposed. Often we fail to change in the middle place and run back to what was familiar. But, if we lean into the heart, we will find the bravery to be with the transformation, and the courage to persist.
Then, there is a moment, where critical mass is reached and there is no going back. The message of the heart has found its way into the world. It may be presented as a whisper at first, but over time, with practice it becomes more consistent.
New authority is established. The journey of rebirth from a child crippled by an outgrown system gets purified through overcoming resistance, gaining life force energy by being persistent, and the heart’s full expression anchors in through consistency.
The phrase that sums this up the most is, “We are all walking each other home.” And, in my experience, it’s the ones who provide resistance that are really showing us the way to walk our path with heart. Bless the test and walk on!
Don’t be sold a river of lies. Healing is truth.
Healing has taken on a new identity in early 21st century. We have known doctors as healers. We have known tribal medicine men as healers. We have even known nature as the great healer. But, now their are individuals who are none of these things calling themselves “healers”. In fact, there was a time that I described myself in this way because it seemed to articulate a skill set I had accumulated.
But, after years of being a counselor, I’ve learned something very important about what healing is, where it comes from, and what identifying as a healer does.
What is Healing?
The best way to understand what healing is is to understand what it is not. Much of what we learn comes through contrast. Further there are various aspects of healing just like there are different genres of music. The one thing healing has in common, no matter the genera, is that it is something that is facilitated. But, we often mistake those who facilitate healing as the source of healing. This leads us to the first thing healing is not.
- Healing is not unique to one person or place. Rather the belief, singular or collective, in that person or place connects a person to Source. Restoration of life-energy heals.
- Healing is not a method. The body can be supported in healing itself. I can be influenced. But the orchestration of healing resides at the edge of scientific understanding as much of healing remains a mystery.
- Healing is not a reference to being broken. Healers are people who remind us we are whole. Yet, much of what gets sold in the “healing game” perpetuates the story of being broken and incomplete coupled with the promise of perfection.
- Healing is not a place we arrive. Healing is dynamic in that multiple systems are working in concert that results in a vessel that can house and display maximum potential. In simple terms, chi flows through the body with ease.
In regards to the types of healers that exist in this world there are nutritionists, life-coaches, business strategists, counselors, medical doctors, spiritual mentors, medicine-men, herbalists, witches, and dulas to name a few. The continuity between the various healers is they all bring perspective to a part of our humanity that requires renewal of life-force energy.
Where does Healing Come From?
Among many titles, life-force energy has been called chi, prana, psychic energy, spirit, and love. What both Western and Eastern medicine has taught us is that LFE (Life Force Energy) can be diminished through stress or stagnate and manifest as disease. Many of us live with degrees of death our bodies. Some of us quicken our death process through the use of drugs or by reinforcing the imbalance of addiction through our maladaptive behaviors.
In my line of work as a Breakup Specialist, I see the hope of being brought back to life through relationship result in relationship death. The common advice given to a person going through a breakup up is to “Love yourself.” But, in a culture that directs us towards narcissism as a survival strategy, there can be a defining quality that turns loving oneself into denial.
This is best demonstrated in the phrase, “Everything happens for a reason.” A veneer of positivity can be placed over that which is rotting and decaying. It’s true that ashes are created from burning wood. Energy requires consumption. But, consumption without renewal results in isolation and even annihilation.
Ironically, life-force energy is renewed when we sleep, when we are still, when we observe our thoughts and feelings and come into connection with presence. We often view life-force energy as a body in motion or as taking action that results in creation. Creation comes from innovation and innovation comes from having the space to assimilate our internal and external ecosystems.
They say extroverts are renewed through being social and introverts are renewed through being alone. Life-force energy dies off in the extreme. A pulse consists of contraction and expansion. One without the other results in death. This is true of the creative process, of getting into and out of relationships, and of navigating the survival realities of existing as a human.
What is a healer?
Those of us who help optimize survival are called healers. Each healer will define himself/herself differently. Some healers treat surface issues and can manipulate the aesthetic of a circumstance. Other healers attempt to get to the root of the issue. Either way, many of us mistake healers as authorities who have dominion over our bodies, emotions, and minds. Healers can be thought of as perfect, flawless, or blameless. But, this is not the case.
Speaking only for myself, I can say, I am far from perfect or the like. I’m constantly playing with boundaries, amending values, and shifting my priorities because, like my clients, I am learning how to survive as a human.
One of the areas I see healers centering their work on is that of “Purpose.” It seems that when a mind organizes around a purpose there is a greater feeling of satisfaction. But, this can work like placebo as well in that believing having a purpose will equate in being happier.
Many healers capitalize on this notion. We focus LFE to transmute thought into form. A healer can be a teacher in that they impart a skills set to someone, which in retrospect is labeled “purpose.” We do what we believe we are capable of or even “have” to do to survive.
In actuality, a human who is fully alive and truly resorced is limitless.
It’s been said the most potent force on the planet is a human in action. We can conceptualize limitlessness as someone who is a billionaire. They are highly resourced.
But, even billionaires require healing because there is an irony in being limitless. Healthy humans do better by being able to depend on a consistent source of support. Attachment theory calls this the “Dependency Paradox.” The more we can rely on another person the more innovative and independent we will be in our lives. The more we can trust in life.
So, a healer, is someone that provides consistent and reliable support in a way that facilitates interactions which augment the flow of LFE. We bring people back to life.
Who Needs Healing?
There is a paradox the is central to the person seeking healing–it’s already inside of them. No story better represents our journey of healing than that of the Wizard of Oz. We need to walk our yellow brick road. Since we are all doing this, there is nothing special about it. But, instinctually we all want to fit in and stand out at the same time to different degrees. The times we want to stand out but are ignored creates a riff that can make us feel like the cowardly lion. The times we want to fit in but are rejected can shut us down so we feel like the tin-man. And when we neither fit in or stand out we can feel like the mindless scarecrow.
Yet, somehow, those parts of us band together undergo a life-journey filled with various characters. The responsibility of those seeking healing is to allow it. It’s not just important to be loved but to also let love in. Healers remind us how to do this. Those being healed remember. Simply, there are those who remind and those who remember.
Those needing healing can be struggling with addiction, disease, mental disorders, or spiritual possessions. The inability to create, maintain, and have healthy relationships is at the heart of everyone’s need for healing. I’m no exception. Hurt people hurt people. But, hurt people stop hurting others and start healing when they are connected to truth.
How do we Heal?
People can main-line Self-Help like crack cocaine. Self-help is largely fractured but just as there are many roads to Mecca, so to area there many avenues to truth. Truth is offensive to many of us. It’s not very sexy in that it’s unadulterated . Truth does have a freeing quality to it because it restores life.
We heal when we realize we are not alone. It only takes one positive person in our lives to make us feel healthy and effective. We heal when we feel like we have something to contribute. And the truth is we all do. A hug is a contribution. A breath. A smile. An idea. A life lived as art changes us all. The most impactful art is raw and true. It is channeled in someway through the body that turned thought into form.
Healing comes from getting out of our own way; our justifications, explanations and expectations. We revisit truth time and time again through our interactions. We find what truth is not and then discover what it is. We visit strategies for survival that bring us closer to truth. We dance between the boundaries of being limitless and creating boundaries in order to be the most expressed version of ourselves.
Truth gives life.
We all have a trauma story as part of our human experience. It’s odd that we think we will go unscathed in life and just how shocked we all are when injury–emotional or otherwise–occurs. Healers have been directed to treat the “wound”. I invite us all to ask, “What is the wound?” “Why must we treat it?”
The man who rapes, maims, kills, or is the source of destruction still breathes the same air that the most pious man breathes. Both men have can be caged by their minds. So, what makes one man act like an animal and another behave as a saint? Is it the wound? Or is it that one man has been renewed through the transformation of his mind?
We all have been assigned an animal that exists below our necks–our body. That body is animated with LFE and directed through impulse. Impulse can come from either instinct or inspiration. The delineating factor between the two is the individuals associated with the wound.
A healer draws truth out of the shadows, which, then gives the person receiving the healing the chance to evolve instinct into inspiration.
Each of us will require healing at the dawn of transitions in our lives such as divorce, breakup, disease, career change, becoming parents, as well as being forgiven for our sins. Bow to the guru within. Allow the healing in. Be human.
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