Why Do We Keep Breaking Up?

Why Do We Keep Breaking Up?

I know a lot of folks who have had two divorces. I have had a least a dozen breakups in one decade.

So, Why do we keep breaking up?

What We Don’t Know About Breakup Will End Us.

If you have gone through a breakup in the last decade this is what is actually happening.

 

Prelude to a Breakup:

 

  • Load App on phone.
  • Swipe.
  • Date.
  • Fuck.
  • Breakup.
  • Repeat.

 

We hear fairy tails of people being best friends first and then it turning into a relationship that produced two kids, a happy marriage, and a great pension plan. We have heard about that friend who met her boyfriend on Tinder and they are doing good. We have plunged ourselves into some form of self-betterment like working out, meditation, or doing yoga. We have said, “I have patterns that I’m going to break.” Nonetheless, we keep breaking up and getting back online to mend what’s broken. 

Watching other people be “successful” online compels us to do what they are doing. The mob is meeting via artificial intelligence. So, let’s talk about “meeting someone online”.

What is a dating profile?

It’s a picture of a past moment that we judge with one glance. That’s what most dating apps have trained us to do. And it’s not wrong. However, what you are seeing in a person the you attracted to is yourself. That is to say, the parts of our conscious we feel disconnected from we project onto an image and hope that that other person will fill in the blanks.

So, in some way, swiping is reinforcing narcissism. Philosophy aside, desire drives us to consume. That what a date with someone is, it’s a consumption of information mixed together with projection.

If no one has said it to you in a while, “Intimacy takes time.” We often confuse the rush of terror that comes with meeting ourselves in a new person with falling in love. Intimacy is peaceful. Dating however is anxiety provoking because most of us go into it thinking about “forever.”

  • “Will this guy be the one?”
  • “Will she be the mother of my kids?”

 

So, bla bal bal, we meet, we share some information, and then we get naked and fuck each other. All the feel-good chemicals rush in. The love songs start making some sense. And attachment kicks in. We get used to having a particular person in our life, call it magic, and start to adjust our choices around the relationship.

It’s a program. I’m just going to say that. The way we get into our relationships is a program. The only way out of that program is intimacy. But, again, 96.8% of us are just going along to get along. So, inevitably we “breakup” and trade one person for another.

The Breakup Cycle

Breakups happen at the beginning of the relationship not the end of them. We talk about “red flags” and shit like that to describe what might ruin a relationship. The fact is that our parents programmed us to be a certain way in the world by handing down their limitations to us. The function of being a parent is to program your child. You know what, you aren’t going to understand why you do what you do. You won’t, so talking about your childhood or whatever stupid story you are telling yourself doesn’t help unless it changes your behaviors. Nothing can be figured out by talking about it.

You have to live, fuck up, forgive and keep going until your body gives out. But, you know why we go round and round about our stories? It’s because we think that doing that gives us some control over how they will unfold. Somethings have already been decided in the great mystery of existence. 

You don’t get to choose the duration of a relationship. Stop thinking that you can be a person that engenders people staying in your life “forever.” That is stupid. Each relationship has a time-period built into it. In fact, the relationships that last the longest are also filled with a lot of space. A deep bond has a pulse to it. It’s not always together. It’s not always falling apart. It’s both. 

I’m annoyed and I’m mad at you for reading this article because what you need to be doing is talking to a professional that can help you communicate who you are. “I can’t afford it.” Well what are you doing with your time? Spending hours reading articles online about twin flames, mental health, red flags, or getting your ex back is just mental masturbation.

And I’ve done it. It doesn’t get us anywhere. The only thing that moves us forward is relationships with healthy people that hold space for us to show up unafraid. But, let’s be real, most of us are running in fear after a breakup. Truthfully, we were fearful the from the beginning to the end of the relationship and all the time in between. 

And a lot of us cope with breaking up by doing the same shit:

  • Leave the relationship emotionally while we are still physically in it and going through the motions.
  • Talk to our friends about how bad our partner is but still have sex with them.
  • The sex starts to shift and doesn’t feel as connected.
  • Fights.
  • Reading articles on how to save the relationship.
  • Reading lists on what a good partnership looks like.
  • Some version of “This isn’t working.”
  • Then we breakup. We lust after our ex. We go back and forth. Or we numb out.

And we don’t ever fucking stop to heal.

Now I’m really mad at you for reading this article looking for answers. Honey, nothing you read is going to get you what you want. Sorry.

Do you know what it’s going to take? It’s going to take a relationship with a counselor, spiritual guide, or teacher that will direct you back to yourself. The same person who hurt you won’t heal you. It takes someone new–that new person is you. And to get to that fully expressed person vibrating at the rate of Love, facing yourself is required. 

It’s not until we master our emotions that we will be able to have a truly loving relationship; with or without a partner in the picture.

But, that’s not where the story ends. Yes, loving ourselves is important. But, we don’t love ourselves by ourselves. It takes relationships to guide us and aid us in being expressed. So, here’s the deal pumpkin, If you are reading this it’s because you are afraid. 

Being afraid is not way to live life, to date, to get in a relationship, to breakup, or to exist.

There is a better way to never breakup again. 

Have faith in the process. Give yourself credit for progress. Get help.

Book Your Free Consultation with Me now.

Self-Help Won’t Get You What You Want

Self-Help Won’t Get You What You Want

“You talk when you cease to be at peace with your thoughts.”

Kahlil Gibran, The Prophet

 

Getting what you want by being yourself is metaphysical and takes more than self-help to do it. 

Sometimes we let talking about things be the action we take on realizing our dreams. How many of us want more money, a good relationship, or amazing health? We go all “Self-help” about it: ask questions, sign up for programs, buy exercise equipment, read more books, and yet keep repeating the same behavior year after year.

If you read that last sentence and started to feel bad, welcome to self-help shaming. The following questions are examples of pressing pain points that keep us seeking for answers outside of ourselves: 

  • Are you stuck?
  • Do you want a 6 figure business?
  • How do you get your ex back?
  • Are you dating a narcissist?

The answers are yes, yes, yes, and yes…but I can’t, shouldn’t, and I don’t know how.  Then we feel like shit for feeling something about how life is being reflected back to us. It’s self-help hell. 

Pause and reflect on that.

How do we get out of self-help hell?

Access a better feeling. This means your intentions and priorities are in harmony with who you are. The greatest expression of yourself comes by being responsible for who you are. A lot of don’t know how to access who we are so we just talk about what we want instead.

Having something means being responsible for the thing you have. However, the anticipation of having something can register as pleasure in the body. That means that having a relationship that works takes work. Talking about having a healthy relationship feels good in theory.

Theory is different than practice. We are entering choppy waters because the idea of being ourselves and actually being Self requires facing ourselves. 

Getting married and taking vows means facing our self-imposed limitations and fears. Getting something means losing something else. 

So, where does the realizing of our desires happen? How does that $50,000, healthy relationship, happy family, and strong body show up?

What clues are we given that point us in the direction of our purpose?

Feeling like a piece of shit because you are not rich like everyone else is a clue. Getting mad at all the couples showing public displays of affection is a clue. Feeling desperate to lose weight, live somewhere else, or have better sex is a clue. In short, resistance is a clue.

The thing we are not willing to look at has everything we want inside of it. Pain is not actually painful. It’s resisting pain that causes stagnation in our lives because we often choose distraction to cope with it.

In relationships it sounds like, “If he would just change then I could feel better and we would be happy.” Guess who isn’t willing to change or face themselves in this situation? You.

Pain is a message that what you want is here and waiting to be developed through relationships.

Guess how we deal with not getting what we want? We keep looking outside of ourselves to get it. We blame the relationships in our life for not performing as they “should”. Then we look at how everyone else is “doing it”. We return to mimicry as a default apparatus all the while feeling lost inside of our lives.

Talking about it, collecting information on it, and all this motion covers up the deep empty feeling that we may never be enough. So, we acquire more, get more ambitious, and spend our lives running away from ourselves.

We plug into a path and go through the motions. Then we witness how other people are “doing” on their path and start to feel envy. “Why is that asshole a millionaire?” “Why does some whore have so many followers on Instagram and I have my PhD and can’t get my business off the ground?” “Why me?” “Why not me?” “What mindset coach do I need to hire?”

The path to what you want is the same path that reveals who you are to yourself.

What does that mean? It means the path to who we are isn’t linear. It is a spiral. Another way of saying this is, “As above, so below.” “As within, so without.” In simple terms, you are not valuable unless you assume you are. Results are reflected in our relationships and results are revealed in the demonstration of faith.

I act as I am. Who I am magnetizes what I want to me. That’s faith.

This can be confusing.

So, let me say it plainly. I asked for $50,000 to show up right away. I’ve asked for that for the last 5 years. What I didn’t do was feel good about having that money. I didn’t want that kind of responsibility. 50K was met with the feeling of being exposed. Somehow, having a lot of money meant I couldn’t hide behind my habits. I would have to change some core part of me. So, I doubled down on doing the same thing–looking outside of myself for the answers.

That is where this article is coming from–I felt shame about having money so it was easier to talk about it. So, welcome to the moment of revelation.

I felt shame about everything I’ve ever had in my life which meant I was looking to be rescued from life by money, a man, or sex. The change happened when I took responsibility for what I have. I am a creative force of nature and a child of god like everyone else. So, I am god in form. That means I am responsible to realize what I already have–the ability to create my life rather than be rescued from my life.

How did the shift happen? Intelligent conversation with people anchored in love. It wasn’t done through self-help.

Self-help is meant to make you feel bad about yourself and keep you seeking for your value. It’s a treadmill.

The moment you have something means that you lose something. Having a shit ton of money also means your time will be traded in service to the inspiration. There are spiritual laws working through us and the only thing that blocks us is getting in our own way.

If you ask for something you are saying, “I’ve taken responsibility to receive and nurture my desire into experience.” Let this be the foundation of your understanding:

You don’t get what you want, you get who you are. We face ourselves in every relationship we have. 

The only way to get to who you are is to have relationships. The way to getting what you want is knowing who you are. So, relationships are the path to getting what you want because they teach you who you are.

This means that we need mentors, spiritual teachers, and advocates in order to grow into our life in an intelligent way. The method to realization is conversations rooted in spiritual principles. And revelation comes when we arrive into the moment of seeing we are what we have been seeking. That’s love.

To experience deep levels of peace requires commitment to our own process. The process is what changes us. Not many of us understand this and again it takes being engaged in a conversation with someone who can offer real guidance to achieve levels of love, peace, and bliss that register as heaven on earth. Everything else is just talking about becoming someone.

Be it to have it.

 

 

12 Realistic Steps for This Thing We Call Life

12 Realistic Steps for This Thing We Call Life

12 Realistic Steps for This Thing We Call Life

 

  1. Go along with the crowd and hate your life.
  2. Blame your parents for everything. #fatherwound
  3. Have more than one addiction.
  4. Get divorced more than once or die alone with 12 cats.
  5. Give other people advice how to live life; especially when your life is fucked up.
  6. Become LA spiritual and post inspirational quotes on social media.
  7. Have a like/hate relationship with your body, time, and God.
  8. Become intellectual and never feel your feelings.
  9. Hire a goal oriented life-coach for $20,000; or just give your power away to something or someone else.  
  10. Project onto everyone else that they are a narcissist; then fill the Gram with Selfies.
  11. “Do Ceremony”–taking sacred drugs in some quasi-shaman’s Orange County living room.
  12. Have a life-crisis that wakes you up because anxiety and depression are only drinking buddies and not real friends.

 

There are no definitive answers for your life or existence; ok pumpkin.  

We are all just reading something someone said at some point in history and repeating it to each other. Some of us agree, some don’t, and we all fake it until we die “wise.” So, in the meantime, this is the brief overview of the 12 Realistic Steps for This Thing We Call Life. Feel free to repeat it and make this bitch go viral–mama’s got money to make and jerking off to Rumi quotes isn’t doing it.

 

Step 1: Go along with the crowd and hate your life.

What rat bastard coined the term “waking up”? None of us are waking up. Even the people who are the most spiritual are still consumers on this planet. Too dark?

Well, I use plastic bottles, buy cheap clothes, fuck strangers, have drank booze and done psychedelic drugs, and yet “I am the light that inside all of us.” And yes, Gandi, Jesus, Buddha and the Spiritual Masters are not me unless they are me looking at me through the spiritual lens.

WE ARE ALL ONE.

Blah.

None of us have to stay alive. It’s not mandatory. It is a choice. A lot of us just choose to go along to get a long because it produces the feeling of belonging, which feels safe. We like what we like and sometimes turn into raging assholes over what we don’t like.

Every single one of us will have a day that goes like this:

“What am I doing with my life? Maybe I should just kill myself. Nothing makes sense. I feel so alone. No one gets me. I don’t care anymore.” (Insert Netflix Marathon or numbing agent of choice.) “Hmm, I’m hungry, I should go get something to eat.” And then you jerk off, go to sleep and live another 70 years.

 

Step 2: Blame your parents for everything.

In a quest for redemption we seek out the reason “Why” we are so fucked up. In my case, my Grandmother wasn’t getting her sexual needs met by my alcoholic Grandfather and decided to molest her sons–my father being one of them. So, that set off a generational chain reaction that has made having healthy relationships a wee bit difficult. And, I’m the one who made the choices I did. It’s not like my grandmother’s ghost was like, You go fuck all those guys and get herpes and then look back and regret life.

Nonetheless, we live in a cause and effect world. So, really bad shit has a long reaching impact. When you can’t access forgiveness the next thing in line is blame.

Future parents be warned; your child is going to need therapy–send them to me. (I have a Masters and am legit.)

 

Step 3: Have more than one addiction.

Insurance companies and big industries are depending on our addictions. So, thank you addictions for keeping the economy running and for giving me meaning and purpose in life. Also, fuck you addiction because I’ve been recruited into your cult-like following.

Hello, I’m Rebekah and I have codependent tendencies–Hi, Rebekah. (The addiction is the cult–the actual 12 steps are the redemption.) 

 

Step 4: Get divorced more than once or die alone with 12 cats.

Do you boo.

Everyone is going to tell you to love yourself no matter what anyway. So ride the fantasy of forever into litigation as many times as you need to so that you can die saying, “I tried.”

Or

Never get married and have animals as your friends. Either way–divorced or perpetually single–you are in good company.

 

Step 5: Give other people advice how to live life; especially when your life is fucked up.

I’m doing this right now. Enough said.

They say the best counselors are the ones who have lived the message they are sharing. That’s me, right here, living the message: Freedom Baby!

The power is in the process.

 

Step 6: Become LA spiritual and post inspirational quotes on social media.

This step is a symptom of anyone about to leave their “normal life” and become a life-coach. Chances are there will be a name change that goes along with this step as well; for instance going from Joe to Orion (Based on a True Story). So, this is a fun attempt at being a better person but really the ego just got a little more cunning. According to Dr David R Hawkins 49% of America are low-vibrating conflictual beings (AKA total douche-bags).

 

Step 7: Have a like/hate relationship with your body, time, and God.

Author Mark Manson would say something about this step that goes like, “We all want to feel good…but what pain are you willing to endure?” All of us are chasing our tails trying to feel good all the time. The fact is, feeling shitty about your body, time or God is a cry to level up already. Set some new standards and endure pain to realize them.

 

Step 8: Become intellectual and never feel your feelings.

Paging big pharma and the internet. Why bother feeling when there are so many options for distraction and hubris?

 

Step 9: Hire a goal oriented life-coach for $20,000; or just give your power away to something or someone else.  

I’ll gladly take your money and sell you back to you. Porn has been doing it. So, if it’s good enough for porn, isn’t it good enough for all of us? I wonder what Hugh Hefner would do?

 

Step 10: Project onto everyone else that they are a narcissist; then fill the Gram with Selfies.

I just don’t get why people have such a hard time having meaningful, long-lasting, loving, and healing relationships these days said every generation since the dawn of industry. We can’t take care of ourselves without each other. Duh.

 

Step 11: “Do Ceremony”–taking sacred drugs in some quasi-shaman’s Orange County living room.

Sure seeing a Jaguar in a psychedelic haze and speaking to your past-lives may provide relief for this current 3D plane of existence we are sharing. But, we all poop and that has to go somewhere. We are still responsible for this life, no matter how fucking old our soul is.

 

Step 12: Have a life-crisis that wakes you up because anxiety and depression are only drinking buddies and not real friends.

I met some 20 year olds in a oxygen bar called Tonic located in Boulder, Colorado. They wanted recommendations for what to order off the menu of tonics and potions. I said, “It depends on how you feel. What emotions are coming up for you?” The three 20-something guys replied, “Tention, anxiety, and acid reflux.”

What the fuck?

Being able to relax isn’t a luxury. And fuck it, we are all going to die, it’s how you live on the way there that give us all something to blame while we are doing the same damn thing as we trudge through

THE 12 REALISTIC STEPS FOR THIS THING WE CALL LIFE.

 

I hope you realize this is a satire.

Self-help will totally save you and you should probably go work with a counselor that knows how to unlock your potential.*Sarcastic tone 

*Actual voice: But, if you have any interest in what the truth can do for you, I take visa, master card, and process it all through Paypal. I’m just a schedule click away.

Listen, I get it, life is tough and going through a breakup is wicked hard. You do not have to do it alone. I don’t discount my packages but I do offer payment plans. So, I suggest not suffering these bogus 12 Realistic Steps and actually enrolling in Breakup Rehab. It will change your life, now. I’m happy to help but you have to do the most difficult thing and get on-board. 

It’s not about being “ready”. It’s about committing to your life like your life depends on it—because it does! 

SIGN UP NOW

The 5 Questions We Ask when Deciding to Break Up or Stay Together.

The 5 Questions We Ask when Deciding to Break Up or Stay Together.

The 5 Questions We Ask when Deciding to Break Up or Stay Together.

If you want real answers, just hire me. But in the mean time, for those of you without an extra 10K for life changing guidance, I hope this article helps.

The 5 Questions:

  1. Is my boyfriend a narcissist?
  2. How to I overcome conflict in my relationship?
  3. What are signs of abusive behavior?
  4. How do I save my relationship?
  5. What are signs that I’m in a good relationship?

This isn’t an easy article to write because there is no one “right” answer to those questions that is specific to your situation. However, if you are reading this it’s because you are in that really shitty place where you don’t know if you should try harder or cut your losses. I’ve done my best to summarize answers that will move you forward. Chances are that you are attached to the person who is inspiring this type of Sherlock Holmes gathering of information. Your mind is like, “If only I can get to the bottom of this then life will be bliss.”

How do I know all this? Because I’ve lived it multiple-times over.

I’m not only and amazing counselor/witch/healer, I’ve also been in the dating pool enough to know to learn how to swim.

The 5 Questions We Ask when Deciding to Break Up or Stay Together.

Chances are if you are asking this question, Is my boyfriend a narcissist? it’s because you want to blame all your shit on your partner. Is it okay for a man to be abusive self-centered dick? FUCK NO IT IS NOT!

However, why are you dating someone that has you asking the question, Is my boyfriend a narcissist? What half-baked pop-psychology shit have you been rifling through to circumvent the very real fact that your choices create your life.

If he is a narcissist, that means you can’t change him. If he isn’t, you still can’t change him. And if you stay with him, then you get to be just as fucked up as he is. So, start with the wo/man in the mirror.

You could try to be the “better person” and look at if from a spiritual lens.

It sounds like this:

“Well my boyfriend may be acting like a narcissist but that doesn’t mean that is who he is.” Great, you separated the behavior from the identity. But, dating someone who only thinks of themself all the time feels like shit. I mean, some of us submissive types go along to get along. But if you think for yourself at all, there is a good chance being with a “Narcy” isn’t a good match for your overall well-being.

Sucks for you that you got addicted to them though, which brings me to the next question:

How do I overcome conflict in my relationship?

“Well everyone has fights.” That’s true. But, if you are focusing on that chances are little attention is being paid on how cooperative your partner is. If you are thinking, “They reject me most of the time” then get out of that martyr situation. I mean, burn off your Karma, and then a better situation will show up.

But, if a better situation seems far away, we can get stuck trying to fix the shit we are in.

If you are asking, What are the signs of abusive behavior? then you have experienced abusive behavior. People don’t ask this question unless some shit has gone down. 

When people fight, many of us seek to destroy the other person by undermining their character, points of view, and sometimes we physically harm the other person. This is not how healthy people fight. Healthy people say things like, “I’m so angry right now I could scream my head off but instead I’m going to walk away and come back when I’m calm.”

The reality is “blowing it out” might feel good in the moment but it locks both people in an addictive cycle resulting in a dysfunctional relationship.

Please click this: Signs of Abuse

So if you got to the question, How do I save my relationship? after having gone through the thread of finding a diagnosis, learning about conflict resolution, looking over signs of abuse, you are not going to save a healthy relationship. You are just trying to find out how to put out a tire fire with your body.

However, if you began the search for answers with How do I save my relationship? there are a few factors to look at. The first one is, Why? According to John Gottman 68% of couples have the same recurring fight for the duration of their relationship. So, the quick and dirty answer to preservation of what you’ve got is to pick your battles and forgive quickly.

This then brings us to the award winning question, What are the signs I’m in a good relationship?

  1. Cooperation: The ability to turn differences into relational strengths.
  2. Contribution: Self reflecting so that you give the best of you to the relationship.
  3. Communication: Tell the truth every time.
  4. Consideration: There is more than just me involved in my decisions.
  5. Christ: Have a spiritual foundation to turn to in times of trials and celebrations.

A lot of people will tell you that it’s better to be single than to be in a bad relationship. I disagree. Being single is a bad relationship if you keep attracting bad relationships. Being single is a critical time to examine your inner critic and see how kind you are to yourself. However, that will get you only so far, so we need bad relationships as tools of refinement. The really hurtful abusive relationships that echo shit childhoods can fuck right off though. Those are ecosystems of destruction and death; that require more than a life-coach to repair. Eh-hem. 

In short, this life is a journey and no one is going to care about your legacy 100 years from now. You have to care about your time more than anyone else. To make the most of it I suggest reading Breakup Rehab and learning the skills that produce happiness, prosperity, and good feeling relationships. Help is here as well. I offer integrative sessions that combine psychology with psychic insights so that you can get to where you are going faster. Book a session now.

And thanks for reading. I hope this helped.

Who is Breakup Rehab for?

Who is Breakup Rehab for?

Getting Down to Business

ENROLLING IN BREAKUP REHAB

Everyone breakups
Not everyone gets Breakup Rehab 

Breakup Rehab was born of the need to support individuals recovery from addiction to their last failing relationship. The mission is to uplift the person working with me. You can waste time in life and that’s not what life is for–it is to be lived and lived well! 

Who Benefits from Breakup Rehab? 
Having done this work for 5 years, people who are deciding to breakup/divorce and who are in transition points in their relationship get the most out of Breakup Rehab. More specifically, a newly divorced wife who depends on wine and yoga classes to “keep it together” has a stellar chance of thriving when adding Breakup Rehab to her life (BTW she won big in the alimony round).
Also,  people working in the medical field, family law, tech, and stressful corporate jobs also find immediate relief after enrolling in Breakup Rehab.Market research is out as if this program helps hippies or not—I’m competing with rose quarts and tarot cards after all. And this isn’t some bull-shit glossy program. We go deep.

The Power is in the Process: 
Breakup Rehab is a 1:1 counseling program that happens over six months with one 90 minute call every other week. In that time we work on healing the hurt, remembering our power, and connecting with God as we understand her/him. The benefit of the program is simply–FREEDOM.
Who do you know that could benefit from this healing program?
Tuition is discussed in the initial consultation. 

If you or a loved one is suffering from heartbreak, resentment, regret, fear, loathing, and has come to believe love isn’t possible for them—Breakup Rehab will change all of that. 

With love, 
Rebekah Freedom
rebekahfreedom.com
303-917-7226

“The only thing that truly costs us our lives is hesitation” ~CM King