Fall is Here and It’s Breakup Season

Fall is Here and It’s Breakup Season

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Relationships have seasons. Some of them take several years to bear fruit. Others grow like a weed. While others fall apart in the time of year known as Breakup Season.

September not only ushers in the return of children to school and young minds to University, but it also marks a little known time of year known as Breakup Season.

Is this an official season? No. However, after seven years as a breakup counselor, I’ve witnessed a surge in my sessions around September with a peak in January. 

Some people laugh when I refer to the holidays as Breakup Season. It’s odd to think that there is a time of year where relationships are more prone to dissolution. However, relationships don’t exist in a vacuum. They are subject to external and internal pressures. 

To be clear, a relationship is an energy or entity that is formed when two people merge their lives, hearts, minds, feelings, money, time, and bodies. A relationship is it’s own thing, with its own personality and characteristics inherited from the people forming it. 

Some relationships begin in the fall, during breakup season, and as such have the buffer of romance to protect against annual traditions. That being said, a lot of people find themselves in a three month cycle where they had a date to do things with from October to January but before the New Year, the sex wasn’t enough to hold the bond together and they get dumped then finding themselves in a series of three to six months affairs for the next few years. According to Urban Dictionary, this is called “Churning.” 

Then there are those relationships that extend about a decade or more past their expiration date. These are the people that stay together for the kids or some sort of unspoken obligation. Sometimes, to survive financially, both people tolerate one another and end up preserving a decaying union. I have members of my family that have wanted to leave each other several times throughout the years of their marriage but disease and other burdens kept them in their status quo. 

Seasonality

Can people break up at any point in the year? Of course. However, the erosion of the relationship seems to be most apparent after Halloween has passed. This is a time where we focus on families coming together and “giving thanks”. But, in reality, the holidays suck. They are stressful and driven by greed and consumption. 

The natural cycle of putting on winter fat is exaggerated by the excess ingestion of sweets and massive meals. Loneliness has a sort of death grip in the shorter days and darker nights. We feel our mortality in the cold of winter. Things in nature slow to a near halt. Conversely, society speeds up to a fever pitch in complete contrast to what would normally be a time of rest and reflection. We can literally feel our discontent being masked by the distraction of religious appropriation of Celtic and pagan traditions–otherwise known as: Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Years. 

This is the time of year where we are supposed to celebrate multiple harvests beginning in August and ending on October 31st. However, during Breakup Season, what each person feels in the relationship is unbridled discontent and a sense that justice must be served in the new year. This is also the time of year where addictions can spiral out of control because excess is a part of our western perspective on how to celebrate the holidays. So, we drink more, smoke more, eat more, seek more entertainment, and lose our connection to what matters most. 

It has been shown in the 75 year Harvard Longitudinal Study that consumption of alcohol is the number one predictor of an unhappy marriage and a major contributor to divorce and separations. The booze flows freely as soon as the holiday parties begin. And while we want to get together with people we enjoy, that enjoyment can often be mute depending on what is happening for us internally during Breakup Season. 

Relationship Cycles

So, now assess where you are in your relationship cycle. To elucidate where the cycle begins is in being single. Some people do well in this phase because they have a disposition and survival strategies that allow them to feel comfortable being independent. These folks are known as lone wolves. However, very few of us who are not psychopaths stay in this phase our whole lives. In fact, even psychopath narcissists don’t’ stay in this phase their whole lives. I know because I’ve dated them. 

The drive to belong to something often registers as desire and lust that motivates us to share our bodies with a stranger. Some enter courtship by hooking up. Others prioritize intimacy and take time to be friends first. Regardless, the next part of the relationship cycle is dating. I’ve been guilty of playing “wifey” in as soon as someone paid attention to me and have totally skipped over the step of applying discernment to the person who was about to take up space in my life. 

I share this to say, there are nuanced moments within each relationship cycle that are subtle. Being discerning is one of those moments. Another is going at a moderate pace where neither person is rushing to define the relationship but rather allowing the relationship to be defined by how it progresses and matures. This takes time. 

The dynamics of a relationship begin to show up as demonstrations of affection, caring, and communication when a relationship is healthy. However, if it is a sick, the relationship will be filled with drama, love-bombing, codependency, bread-crumbing, and lies. Without professional help sick relationships don’t get better and often destroy the people involved in them. 

The final turn in any relationship cycle is commitment. It is something that will be revisited through all seasons, through aging, and through the metamorphosis of each person within the relationship. 

The four horsemen of the apocalypse that show up during Breakup Season are distraction/neglect, avoidance/deceit, betrayal/apathy, and abandonment/grief. They effect every turn of the relationship cycle. They dominate Breakup Season. 

So, by the time January roles around last year’s taxes have been filed. The man in the relationship has moved into his tiny bitterness-filled bachelor pad, the wife keeps the home, and assets are being prepared to be divided. Divorce papers will be served in the spring and a new cycle will begin. 

Breakup Season then gives way to the journey of grief and rebirth. 

If all of this sounds daunting to you, it is. No one should go into this season blind. That is why I’m writing this article. I’m bringing awareness to how programmed we all are and how out of touch with nature and ourselves we can become. 

Rituals to Survive Breakup Season

As a practicing counselor and Medicine Witch, I’ve found great solace in the shifting of the seasons. Pagan tradition reminds us to pay attention to the subtleties that go along with life. And while many people would never imagine that creating an altar with candles and pictures of loved ones, taking salt baths, burning incense, praying, and honoring what was, is and will be could be the antidote to a season that tears couples and families apart, those small rituals can have a major impact. Some may even bristle at the thought of engaging in witchcraft as a way to heal strengthen their relationship. To this I say, if you research Wicca tradition you will see how similar it is to the widely practiced self-help and self-development movement. 

I bet you didn’t think and article about Breakup Season was also going to point you in the direction of rituals that celebrate nature and our inner god and goddess. I was raised Christian so I practice in a way that makes sense to me. The ceremonies within pagan culture mesh with the structure of my religious background. I share all of this to say, that we have a choice in how to enter into, endure, and thrive through Breakup Season. 

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Breakup and Divorce Resources

Hello and welcome to a life of being you and having what you choose. Breakup Rehab is the beginning of our journey together. It’s a place you can call home. Together we will explore what you require in order to have the life of you choosing. We will refine your god-given talents until you become a master at having healthy relationships. Beautiful being that your are,consider this your standing invitation to receive all the good  that life has to offer YOU!  

 

All the resources you need to recover from a breakup or divorce.

 

  1. Book: http://bit.ly/BRXBook + Free offer PODCAST: http://heardnotseen.com/
  2. Buy Young living oils kit https://www.rebekahfreedom.com/essential-oils/ (gift–90 min session)
  3. FB support group https://www.facebook.com/groups/breakuprehab/ + Download Breakup Detox.

It’s Ugly On the Way to Living Our Best Life

It’s Ugly On the Way to Living Our Best Life

It’s often ugly, frustrating, and devastating on the way to living our best life.

During the last decade, I’ve had to make some difficult decisions that were just mistakes in the making. Arriving to 39 and ½ years old with no Real Estate investment, no husband, a business few people know about, and a serious lack of connection sucks. It doesn’t just suck for me. It sucks because every new person I meet who I tell, “I’m a Breakup Specialist and a Medical Medium” says to me, “Where were you months ago when I needed your services?

Let me use this article to answer that question. I’ve been in gridlock. I’ve been in the Bardo between the life I think I’d like to live and the one I’m in. I feel two faced.

I’ll use my the last guy I dated as an example. He is brilliant at writing. He is a charismatic speaker. He is highly intelligent and motivating. He knows how to pattern words to create a powerful impact. And he was dangerous. The person he was able to present to the world helped so many people. He was clever, insightful, and provided a space for a person to reveal their true nature. He even presented as self-reflective. And all of those attributes often contributed to creating positive outcomes.

But, when shit really hit the fan between us, none of who he was to the world was expressed in how he dealt with our relationship. His very best when he was at his very worst was controlling, manipulative, demeaning, degrading, and cruel. We all have different sides to who we are. Some of them are more pathological than others. It is difficult to reconcile and for some of us, it’s impossible.

So the truth of my story is that I’ve been attempting to get my social image to match up with how I really am behind the scenes. At the moment of writing this article I had $7000 in credit card debt, I was living on one egg and piece of toast a day, but I kept up my $2.50 cent cup of exceptional coffee habit. I was so worried about money, I stopped working out. In fact, massive parts of my life went into paralysis. I tried to solve my money woes earlier in the year buy gathering a “team” of people that could help my business grow. But, what happened is that I hired a marketing company that was bad at communication and ended up having to quit the campaign before it could ever get off the ground, consequently making my money situation worse not better.

Where have I been?

I’ve been extremely mad at myself for spending the whole of my 30’s dating one bad man after the next. One boy after the next. One Cluster B Personality Disorder after the next. And one spiritual predator after the next.

In 2016 I had 5 different hookups with 5 different men that were all mentally ill. One had major substance abuse issues, one was cheating on his girlfriend with me (I found out after the fact), one was a sex addict, one was hooked on ayahuasca ceremonies, and the last one was a “flat-earth” idiot.

It’s now 2019 and I’m no better off. I stopped “hooking” up with randos but I got messed up by the last guy who wasn’t over his ex, kept her in the picture while telling me he loved me, and as things began to crumble showed some frightening narcissistic characteristics.

Every year of my 30’s has been marked with a major trial. I’ve been through multiple breakups, been fired twice, have moved 5 times, lived in a van for one month (on purpose), lost friends, went through major health scares, and almost ran out of money multiple times.

What’s wrong with her?

Trust me, I’ve asked myself the question you are thinking, “What’s wrong with this woman?” Doesn’t someone with a Masters in Counseling know better? Especially someone who has a business that is focused on helping people go through a breakup? There is plenty wrong with me when it comes to living the American Dream. Simply, I”m not living it.

I’ve gone a different route. I want to make something perfectly clear, the only thing that has pulled me from the depths of hell and out of this chaos has been my education and creative soul. So, I understand how my ex can be such an effective force for good in other people’s life but be totally destructive in his own. As the saying goes, “The cobbler’s kids have no shoes.”

Giving advice is easy. I don’t have to implement the advice or information I give to my clients. They have to run in through their own process of trial and error.

It takes a massive amount of energy, clear intention, and focus to run our own lives. And we all do it by looking to the fools around us for guidance. For instance, Tony Robbins is credited with changing millions of lives but just recently was accused of harassment and berating rape victims. Simply, no man is a Deity.

This beckons the question, “So, what is a good life? What is necessary to feel good about our lives? Why is life even worth living?

A Lot of people just give up.

Some kill themselves. Some turn to an addiction to numb the pain. Some are fame-whores. Some are life-coaches. We are trying to cope, innovate, do better, and rinse and repeat. We all want to live our best life. 

I can’t count my failures or successes because I’m not at the end of my life. I’m in the middle of some twisted plot line that has involved the death of my parents, getting a Masters, having great sex with bad guys, blowing money, traveling like a gypsy, and feeling totally clueless.

We are not supposed to admit these things.

I’ll go one further. When my parents died and my grandma died I got a sum total of about 300K. I spent all of that money and didn’t invest one lick of it in Real Estate, stocks, or commodities. I didn’t focus on growing that money because I wanted to die. I figured I’d use it until the party was over and then I would be over. I wasn’t invested in life. In fact, looking back, I wanted to be an entertainer who was on tour 10 months out of the year. But, that seemed like even more of a long -shot than just being a Breakup Coach in a saturated market. So, I just keep doing more of the same thing–almost trying to get out of my comfort zone.

Some days trying to be a good person sounds like, “Well at least I’m not a drug mule.” And then I’m like, well, the person who is running drugs is at least making $2000 a drop and all the people addicted to crack are employing the people in the billion-dollar drug rehab industry. And that industry inspired the book I wrote. Then I fall down an existential rabbit hole of despair. My mind swirls with thoughts like:

I could care less about humanity because everyone sucks and no one is actually kind. People have kids who don’t want them. Dads leave. Even worse dads rape their sons, beat them, and bring them up to be dangerous men. Then I end up dating those wounded men. I think, “Being a good person is stupid.” Be selfish. No one is going to remember you anyway 50 years from now. A basic life will not be recorded in the halls of history.

After that sojourn into the darkness I reach for my self-development books. I listen to Abraham Hicks. I pull tarot cards. I attempt to learn how to be a digital marketer so that I can actually reach “my audience.” I’m one woman playing 100 different roles. But the really important roles of wife and mother aren’t something I’ve been cast for at this time. 

So, where have I been?

I’ve been screaming into the void. I’ve been fighting the good fight–mostly against myself. I’ve been wrecked by lust and fantasy. I’ve been hiding out in a basement. I’ve been curating a bigger dream. I’ve been sick of hearing people tell me what to do to grow my business because I can’t tell the difference between the liars and the true teachers.

Being a counselor is something that I do to make a living and to live my life. And sometimes it feels like a lie. It feels like the qualifications it takes to directly influence someone else come with a Code of Ethics I won’t ever be able to live up to.

Part of me wants to put a marketing spin on this article with some sort of resurrection flair to it. I’m not going to do that. I just want you, dear reader, to know that you are not alone in this big, intimidating, and frantic world. 

So to answer the question I get asked the most, “Where were you those times I needed you?” I’ll give you the answer that I hope you will tell yourself the next time you feel like you are failing, “I’ve been living.” 

 

Truth as a Movement

Truth as a Movement

Can we tell the truth?

Screaming into the Abyss

What hope is there for humanity? We gather together at festivals, turn up the music loud, take pictures of everything, but get lost in the crowd. We eek out a days work, make that paper, only to ask ourselves, “Does this really matter?” Marriages fall apart into another’s arms and we all keep inventing a new normal. I don’t have an answer as a counselor. The best, and I mean the very best, I can do is listen.

 

A lot of us are going into the business of “encouragement”. The field of coaching is amorphous in it’s directive. People who live in studio apartments are giving business advice to high-level executives and peppering it with pop psychology. Other’s are pulling tarot cards, speaking to angels, and clearing energy blockages. Most are situationally relevant. 

I personally live in a basement in home in Boulder, Colorado (cliche as that is). I spend my time reading books about the meaning of life and figuring out if the last guy I dated will be anything more than a lesson. There’s nothing worse than the feeling of being fucked over. Then layer some twisted spiritual idea of “We are the ones who always fuck ourselves over with the choices we make” to the feeling of being fucked over and it results in anxiety coupled with escapism.

In this space I dig deeper into topics like narcissism, emotional intelligence, and Toyota Tacoma trucks. I tend to numb out through intellectual pursuits. I’ve also been avoiding the gym. I get locked in this loop of “Well I need to be doing things to make me money and going to the gym will take away from that.” That’s stupid. If I’m not healthy and strong, then the things I do to make money won’t matter or even be possible.

I’m ranting.

The point I’m making dear reader, is that we are all making this up as we go along. I admire people who stay on the classic track of getting good grades, going to a Ivy league school, and choosing high-level professions like being a doctor, lawyer, or studio executive. Granted, we all have to work our way up the ranks. But, you know, some coaches don’t have to work up the ranks. We have created a culture of influencers. People who know how to dance with the algorithms, make shit go viral, and pump out something with a cultural hook don’t have to be vetted. We pay them with our attention.

I’m going to say that again. We have created industries out of other people telling us how to find our purpose, how to be happy, what to buy, and how to think. In some sense we can be divided into two factions: Leaders and followers. I’m going to let you in on the secret between the two–the quality of relationships we have. To be a leader, it requires having at a team of people who buy into your leadership. People who want to give their energy to your “cause” is what makes your cause valuable and attention worthy.

I’m sharing this so you think about how you are spending your energy. Don’t you want to be a part of a movement? Don’t’ you want to give your time to something that matters? I can’t think of a more potent movement than the TRUTH. The truth always heals. Truth sets us free. Truth provides us access to not only power but to the magnetic energy of love.

I’ve noticed a lot of people are freaked out by the truth. Shame shuts us up and guilt shuts us down. So, boys who were raped by a person of authority don’t report it. Rather, they cope by becoming narcissistic. Girls who were programmed to be property for men get stuck in apathy and often spend their life being used or being manipulative. The TRUTH cleans all of this up. The man who experienced perversion as a child can grow up and say, “I experienced incest but I now claim my body as my own.” He can feel his feelings which allows him to be a safe man rather than a defended narcissist that perpetuates violence on others. When truth is the cause, the girl who was trained to be property grows into the woman who gives voice to empowerment movements. We can partner with one another in a deeper and more meaningful way with truth between us.

So, this is what, dear reader, I am inviting you to. Join me in speaking the truth. Learn how to dive deep into your psychology and expose the lies that have been resulting in the violence, lack, and fear in your life. Take a moment to ponder the value of truth. How much does it matter to you? Are you willing to give your life for the truth? Are you willing to cultivate the bravery it takes to shine a light on shame? The truth isn’t sexy. It’s not always going to make you more money. It can plunge you into survival mentality for a short period of time as you begin to master the skills needed to stay rooted in the truth. Nonetheless, it is the source of life and being able to live a good life.

People who cannot feel, the sociopaths, narcissists, psychopaths of this world, are often truth averse. They help breed corruption and despair in this world destroying everything and everyone in their path. You have the chance to be a champion. We need more people who are rooted in truth to take up the cause of cleaning up the darkness.

Sure, there are the “light-workers”, but that’s just part of it. I want the fearless to join me in naming what is being done behind closed doors and liberate the world we occupy with truth. Will you occupy truth with me?

If you said, “YES!” book a session with me now.

Can A Narcissist Change?

Can A Narcissist Change?

Can A Narcissist Change?

I’m sitting here in my basement on one of the last cold days of spring here in Colorado and all I can think about is how I miss sex with HIM who turned out to be a narcissist. Sure, I have other things to do like learn marketing, be pitched to by yet another 6-figure coach, and figure out how to change my station in life to match my intelligence. But, I can’t get our time together out of my mind.

It started in a conference room in Arizona at something called “The Event”. After three days of being blasted by club music and being inculcated with information on how to go from nothing to millions, I had enough. When I get fed up, the comic in me takes over. So, once the event had ended I was talking to people who had also attended it and said, “Did you notice they actually put Kool-aid in the back of the room, everyone started to dress the same, and we all were pitched a big-buy-in program?” That’s when he walked up.

We had somehow connected through my Facebook Messenger app earlier in the day and I asked if he wanted to meet me. He said, “Sure.” And I text back, “Look for the girl in the black hat.” Sure enough, he found me.

The first thing he said was, “Wow you are really animated.” I forget what I said back. But he responded with “We should hang out sometime.” Days before I met him I had this odd pull to want to go to Griffith Observatory in Los Angeles. So, I said, “Totally, we should go to Griffith Observatory together.” He shot back, “That is one of my favorite places.” The sparks flew.

I went back home to Colorado and he went back to California. We chatted back and forth over messenger for a few days.

Then he said something to me that shifted everything. “I have something crazy to ask. Let me love you in a way that feels good to you.” I live in a magical world so I didn’t question his request. I went along with it. (Love bombing).

Before I go into what happened in the early honeymoon period, I want to say that on the 7th month of knowing that he exists, those first three months together keep me missing him way beyond what any rational person should.

Simply put, I had the time of my life. It wasn’t opulent. However it was everything romantic movies are made of.

Two weeks after we started talking I booked a trip to San Diego so I could go to Mexico and get dentistry work done. Once I arrived and got that taken care of I stayed with a friend for a few days before he and I met up for the second time. He drove down from Los Angeles on a Friday to pick me up.

Without going into all the details, let me just say the physical connection was epic. I mean, we had been having phone sex for a bit, engaged in deep conversations, and laughed about nothing. But, when I was finally able to kiss him, it was magic. In fact, I had said, “We don’t have the container to have sex when I come to see you.” I felt something for him and was trying to set some boundaries to protect us.

So, on the drive from San Diego to his place, we played music to fill in the awkward gaps that happen when you are first meeting someone you hope will be your everything. We were both playing it pretty cool while holding hands and bantering back and forth.

Once we got to his place, we made plans to go to the Observatory. A lot of intimacy was shared in a very short 48 hour period. But, we didn’t have sex. He held that boundary, which made me fall in love with him more.

In another blog, I could write about all the romantic moments we had. But, in this blog, I want to say, that things went to shit after month 3. Things got exposed that launched us into a seven week fight. Then his ex got involved. Gaslighting behavior manifested and after our final conversation where he shared, “I’m going to a movie with my ex this weekend and then he took her to a place I introduced him to.” I had enough. It just hurt too much.

I want to share that I did put up a good fight. I referenced everything from The Course In Miracles to the pillars of relationship psychology. He just shut down more. So, a few days after our last phone interaction, I did what any writer might do. I put pen to paper, let out my feelings and sent him two different letters in the mail.

In the first letter I talked about how painful it was to witness him go from my lover to pure evil.

I included this poem in the letter:

Apathy is a warm gun.

Such is the course of nature:

It’s only a matter of time before your defenses turn on you. Apathy is a weapon that will destroy all that you hold dear. You are constructing a cage of despair.  And then the morning will come when you go to the mirror to shave your face & see all you resented in your father looking back to you.

It wasn’t my body you were after; it was the truth housed inside it. You are in the company of thieves & liars. The bankrupt souls seeking significance. Double down on all your spiritual actions…they are facile without truth.

Such is the course of nature.

You will die & be reborn. It’s inevitable. I’m on the horizon banging the drum of Freedom & courage. It’s my fire of aliveness that drew you in & terrified you. Pushed into the deepest ends. The joker is no companion.

Such is the course

She won’t love you but rather use you as an vehicle of escape & you will do the same, never feeling peace. TRUTH is brutal when it’s denied. But eventually you will realize it’s the only way.

So what did I impart?

The start of your destruction with apathy as your weapon. DIE this time.

And I’ll be on the horizon banging the drum of freedom & love.

I’ll meet you at the resurrection.  

I was trying to get to him in meaningful way.

Letters tend to take a long time to get from Boulder Colorado to Los Angeles–about ten days. And three days after I sent the letter going over how I hoped he could break the cycle of abuse, I sent a second letter outlining how I believed his behavior was due to a form of Narcissistic Personality Disorder.

As an aside, NPD is very rare in its fullest expression. However, with most personality disorders we can fall somewhere on the spectrum. And Empaths–the feelers–tend to get pulled in by and sympathize with narcissists.

Beyond my training as a counselor, I have also read at least twenty articles describing narcissism. It’s nasty. I know that when interacting with HIM, I started to feel crazy. He knew how to go after the structure of what I was saying in a way that diverted away from the content of what was being expressed. In some ways, there was merit in what was he was pointing out to me about getting out of my head and into my heart among other insights. However, when it came down to the simple ask of “Do you want to be in a spiritual partnership with me?” he returned with “I have no information for you on that.”

I still talked to him for two weeks after that. I even had a conversation with his ex, who was determined they were going to get back together (and they did). It was a dramatic mess that pulled me out of the life I was avoiding in Colorado.

I loved flying out to LA and escaping into the fantasy we constructed together.

Even as I write this I have to admit that knowing what I know now, it is still a battle to focus on my own life. I keep reading articles on the characteristics of an Empath. I am fascinated by what causes narcissism and if it can be healed. Let me just say addiction to this pattern takes time to recover from.

My motivation for learning these things has always been and will be two-fold. First, I need to get a foundation under me because, let’s be real, after being with an amazing lover who is also wicked intelligent, something like narcissism seems like a riddle to be solved so that I can have all the magic again. Second, I know that others are most likely going through a similar struggle and we heal by telling the truth.

I always joke that my work is field tested.

The real plot twist is that I learned more about myself in the short time we spent together than in any other short relationship I’ve had. Somehow, this time, this relationship pushed me deeper into truth. I invested hours in reading about every topic related to toxic relationships. I began meditating and taking salt baths. I kinda went to the gym. But, I mostly slept more, and made sure to take action on things only when I was focused. I had to force myself to be patient. However, it also f**ked up my ability to make money and stay on a healthy schedule. A lot time was spent casting clearing spells, reading tarot cards, and spending finances on counseling. I’m devoted to growth, so I grew from it but it was really hard forgiving myself for dating an abusive person. Especially since I am a counselor.

As much as I was hoping that the letters would inspire him to reach out to me and to re-create our magic together, as of today, they didn’t. What I asked for in the second letter is that he get a home ready for us in the fall so that I could move in with him and direct my efforts towards giving my gifts as a Psychic Medium and Breakup Specialist to the LA entertainment industry. It’s not logical.

It is like coming off a powerful drug.

I can’t tell you how many times people have said to me, “You are a counselor, you should know better.” I’ll tell you what I do known, he wasn’t an accident. We did have magic together–albeit brief. Do I think being with a narcissist is okay? F**K NO IT’S NOT.

That disorder sucks the life of anyone who interacts with it. It’s like a evil demon succubus. However, as a counselor, I do know that people can change if they want to. (He didn’t. He just went back to his “old supply“).

One of the things I learned from being with him, besides earth-shaking art-making sex, is that people don’t like to be told what to do, who they are, or how to be. No one wants to be labeled as “sick” even if that is the first step in getting well.

So, can a narcissist change?

As it turns out, the answer is No. If you confront someone who displays narcissistic defenses and point out “Dude, I think you have some deep wounding and are using narcissism as a coping mechanism”, they will shoot back with, “I think you are are the narcissist and I hope you get help.” At least that’s what I experienced.

So here is the moral of the story:

It doesn’t matter how smart you are or even if you see the red flags. Narcissism is an STD (spiritually transmitted disease). The energy of shame is toxic to everyone who gets involved with it. Further, the behaviors used to defend against shame tend to perpetuate it in others. Caring for a “Narcy” is like pouring water into a bathtub with no plug. It can never be filled even when you pour more faster (again, from experience).

The aftermath of loving someone locked in a shame loop and defended against it is that we then feel embarrassed. “How could I have been so blind?” Let me put this in first person. I chose to participate in the love bombing phase because it felt good but I knew something was “off” the whole time. And I got hooked. I came in thirsty and left parched.

The reality is I have my own healing to do and my own dreams to fulfill. I have to remind myself that, “He is not healthy for me.” No narcissist is. But what dating a Narcy does is it makes you open your own attic and look at the skeletons in there. The things we neglect become our monsters. Also, the things we won’t look at in us become something that can be exploited by Narcies. So, it’s really important to work with a good coach or therapist after “escaping” this type of romance so that you can anchor back into your inner authority.

As I said before, I have spent endless hours reading up on this topic. So, I will leave you with this:

You are not bad or wrong if you are narcissistic but it does make you dangerous to be around. You are not bad or wrong for dating a narcissist or abuser and wanting them to change. It just means there is deeper healing to be done. And, we can heal. We can move forward. We can have healthy relationships based on boundaries that get created from now being able to identify love bombing, diminishment, mis-direction, projection, blame, shame, neglect, verbal abuse and other venom that comes from Camp Narcy.

Simply, it’s up to us to be the change we want to see.