12 Realistic Steps for This Thing We Call Life

 

  1. Go along with the crowd and hate your life.
  2. Blame your parents for everything. #fatherwound
  3. Have more than one addiction.
  4. Get divorced more than once or die alone with 12 cats.
  5. Give other people advice how to live life; especially when your life is fucked up.
  6. Become LA spiritual and post inspirational quotes on social media.
  7. Have a like/hate relationship with your body, time, and God.
  8. Become intellectual and never feel your feelings.
  9. Hire a goal oriented life-coach for $20,000; or just give your power away to something or someone else.  
  10. Project onto everyone else that they are a narcissist; then fill the Gram with Selfies.
  11. “Do Ceremony”–taking sacred drugs in some quasi-shaman’s Orange County living room.
  12. Have a life-crisis that wakes you up because anxiety and depression are only drinking buddies and not real friends.

 

There are no definitive answers for your life or existence; ok pumpkin.  

We are all just reading something someone said at some point in history and repeating it to each other. Some of us agree, some don’t, and we all fake it until we die “wise.” So, in the meantime, this is the brief overview of the 12 Realistic Steps for This Thing We Call Life. Feel free to repeat it and make this bitch go viral–mama’s got money to make and jerking off to Rumi quotes isn’t doing it.

 

Step 1: Go along with the crowd and hate your life.

What rat bastard coined the term “waking up”? None of us are waking up. Even the people who are the most spiritual are still consumers on this planet. Too dark?

Well, I use plastic bottles, buy cheap clothes, fuck strangers, have drank booze and done psychedelic drugs, and yet “I am the light that inside all of us.” And yes, Gandi, Jesus, Buddha and the Spiritual Masters are not me unless they are me looking at me through the spiritual lens.

WE ARE ALL ONE.

Blah.

None of us have to stay alive. It’s not mandatory. It is a choice. A lot of us just choose to go along to get a long because it produces the feeling of belonging, which feels safe. We like what we like and sometimes turn into raging assholes over what we don’t like.

Every single one of us will have a day that goes like this:

“What am I doing with my life? Maybe I should just kill myself. Nothing makes sense. I feel so alone. No one gets me. I don’t care anymore.” (Insert Netflix Marathon or numbing agent of choice.) “Hmm, I’m hungry, I should go get something to eat.” And then you jerk off, go to sleep and live another 70 years.

 

Step 2: Blame your parents for everything.

In a quest for redemption we seek out the reason “Why” we are so fucked up. In my case, my Grandmother wasn’t getting her sexual needs met by my alcoholic Grandfather and decided to molest her sons–my father being one of them. So, that set off a generational chain reaction that has made having healthy relationships a wee bit difficult. And, I’m the one who made the choices I did. It’s not like my grandmother’s ghost was like, You go fuck all those guys and get herpes and then look back and regret life.

Nonetheless, we live in a cause and effect world. So, really bad shit has a long reaching impact. When you can’t access forgiveness the next thing in line is blame.

Future parents be warned; your child is going to need therapy–send them to me. (I have a Masters and am legit.)

 

Step 3: Have more than one addiction.

Insurance companies and big industries are depending on our addictions. So, thank you addictions for keeping the economy running and for giving me meaning and purpose in life. Also, fuck you addiction because I’ve been recruited into your cult-like following.

Hello, I’m Rebekah and I have codependent tendencies–Hi, Rebekah. (The addiction is the cult–the actual 12 steps are the redemption.) 

 

Step 4: Get divorced more than once or die alone with 12 cats.

Do you boo.

Everyone is going to tell you to love yourself no matter what anyway. So ride the fantasy of forever into litigation as many times as you need to so that you can die saying, “I tried.”

Or

Never get married and have animals as your friends. Either way–divorced or perpetually single–you are in good company.

 

Step 5: Give other people advice how to live life; especially when your life is fucked up.

I’m doing this right now. Enough said.

They say the best counselors are the ones who have lived the message they are sharing. That’s me, right here, living the message: Freedom Baby!

The power is in the process.

 

Step 6: Become LA spiritual and post inspirational quotes on social media.

This step is a symptom of anyone about to leave their “normal life” and become a life-coach. Chances are there will be a name change that goes along with this step as well; for instance going from Joe to Orion (Based on a True Story). So, this is a fun attempt at being a better person but really the ego just got a little more cunning. According to Dr David R Hawkins 49% of America are low-vibrating conflictual beings (AKA total douche-bags).

 

Step 7: Have a like/hate relationship with your body, time, and God.

Author Mark Manson would say something about this step that goes like, “We all want to feel good…but what pain are you willing to endure?” All of us are chasing our tails trying to feel good all the time. The fact is, feeling shitty about your body, time or God is a cry to level up already. Set some new standards and endure pain to realize them.

 

Step 8: Become intellectual and never feel your feelings.

Paging big pharma and the internet. Why bother feeling when there are so many options for distraction and hubris?

 

Step 9: Hire a goal oriented life-coach for $20,000; or just give your power away to something or someone else.  

I’ll gladly take your money and sell you back to you. Porn has been doing it. So, if it’s good enough for porn, isn’t it good enough for all of us? I wonder what Hugh Hefner would do?

 

Step 10: Project onto everyone else that they are a narcissist; then fill the Gram with Selfies.

I just don’t get why people have such a hard time having meaningful, long-lasting, loving, and healing relationships these days said every generation since the dawn of industry. We can’t take care of ourselves without each other. Duh.

 

Step 11: “Do Ceremony”–taking sacred drugs in some quasi-shaman’s Orange County living room.

Sure seeing a Jaguar in a psychedelic haze and speaking to your past-lives may provide relief for this current 3D plane of existence we are sharing. But, we all poop and that has to go somewhere. We are still responsible for this life, no matter how fucking old our soul is.

 

Step 12: Have a life-crisis that wakes you up because anxiety and depression are only drinking buddies and not real friends.

I met some 20 year olds in a oxygen bar called Tonic located in Boulder, Colorado. They wanted recommendations for what to order off the menu of tonics and potions. I said, “It depends on how you feel. What emotions are coming up for you?” The three 20-something guys replied, “Tention, anxiety, and acid reflux.”

What the fuck?

Being able to relax isn’t a luxury. And fuck it, we are all going to die, it’s how you live on the way there that give us all something to blame while we are doing the same damn thing as we trudge through

THE 12 REALISTIC STEPS FOR THIS THING WE CALL LIFE.

 

I hope you realize this is a satire.

Self-help will totally save you and you should probably go work with a counselor that knows how to unlock your potential.*Sarcastic tone 

*Actual voice: But, if you have any interest in what the truth can do for you, I take visa, master card, and process it all through Paypal. I’m just a schedule click away.

Listen, I get it, life is tough and going through a breakup is wicked hard. You do not have to do it alone. I don’t discount my packages but I do offer payment plans. So, I suggest not suffering these bogus 12 Realistic Steps and actually enrolling in Breakup Rehab. It will change your life, now. I’m happy to help but you have to do the most difficult thing and get on-board. 

It’s not about being “ready”. It’s about committing to your life like your life depends on it—because it does! 

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